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COLUMN

Savage Love

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But whatever her deal is, the bottom line is this: When two people aren’t good to, or for, each other, they should get the fuck away from each other.

My husband and I are both in our mid-20s. He’s in the military and our relationship, though imperfect, is strong; we’re both happy with – and good to – each other. Not long ago, we decided that a “monogamish” arrangement appealed to us both, and we renegotiated the terms of our relationship. He recently got orders for a yearlong deployment, and one of the many things we need to do before he leaves, I think, is have another conversation about nonmonogamy. I think we should adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I doubt I could tolerate the inevitable stress of this upcoming year if I were expected to abstain from sex for the duration. But it’s unlikely that either of us would want to hear about the other’s casual hookups when we’re separated by nine time zones. Yet I can’t bring myself to speak up, because I’m already so jealous of the people he might fuck while I’m on the opposite side of the world and unable to fuck him myself. Suddenly, the thought of my husband with someone else is nearly intolerable. What would you do in this situation? Worried I Fear Estrangement

If my husband were about to deploy to a war zone, I would probably do what you’re doing, WIFE: I would worry about sex – I would worry about the people who might want to fuck my deployed husband – because that would provoke less anxiety than worrying about the people who might want to harm my deployed husband.

Talk to your husband, and put that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on the table. Considering that you’ll most likely have more opportunities than he will over the next 12 months, a DADT policy may be precisely what your husband wants while he’s deployed. And share your feelings of jealousy with him. Those feelings are not only normal and natural, they’re a good sign. It would be more worrisome if you didn’t care who he fucked and he didn’t care who you fucked. And your husband may share your chief concern: It’s one thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you’re around (and you’re able to fuck your partner, too, and remind your partner why he’s with you), and it’s quite another thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you’re not around.

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can make a person feel like she’s not cut out for a monogamish relationship. But it’s working through those inevitable feelings of jealousy and insecurity – with your partner, not your sex-advice columnist – that proves you are cut out for one. Good luck, WIFE, and I hope your husband comes home safe and sound.

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