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COLUMN

Savage Love

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As for your relationship, DGW, Bishop Robinson agrees that your boyfriend’s inability to break from his emotionally and spiritually abusive friends is a bad sign.

“If DGW’s boyfriend is listening to the condemnation of his Church and his friends, it makes me wonder how much joy he can take in their relationship,” said Bishop Robinson. “How free is he to be the gay man he knows himself to be if that is accompanied by guilt and shame? It sounds to me like DGW’s boyfriend needs to deal with his own internalized homophobia before he can commit to anyone.”

In other words, you may need to tell your boyfriend that he can have you or he can have his orthodoxy, his awful friends and what, at this stage of life, amounts to a lot of self-inflicted spiritual wounds. If your boyfriend can’t break away from these people, if he refuses to find a church that welcomes him (and you!), then you may need to DTMFA.Bishop Robinson’s latest book, God Believes in Love: Straight Talk About Gay Marriage, is in bookstores now. Follow Bishop Robinson on Twitter: @BishopGRobinson.

I’m a 22-year-old straight girl with a lovely boyfriend of four years. We started dating during our freshman year of college, and we lost our virginities to each other early in our sophomore year. He’s a great guy, we live well together and I could easily round him up to “the one.” My problem: I’m bored with our sex life, and I don’t know why. He’s a generous lover, he always makes sure I come (which is not always an easy task), he goes down on me more often than I go down on him, he uses his fingers and he isn’t insecure when I have to use my own fingers or a vibrator to get off. I know I’m incredibly lucky, but even after I come, I feel unsatisfied.

I don’t have any kinky fantasies, but the lack of passion and interest in our vanilla sex is killing me. I’m only 22, for God’s sake! My sex life shouldn’t be boring already!

He’s voiced concerns in the past about how I don’t initiate sex with him often enough. He worries that I am not attracted to him. I am attracted to him. It’s just that I don’t want the hassle of waiting for him to make me come when I can do it faster – and doing it myself means I don’t have to worry about him getting tired or bored. I need to know where to start to make things more interesting.
Bored In Bed

Having a partner who focuses like a laser beam on our pleasure sounds ideal. But always being the focus of sex, always being expected to come first, always being expected to come – that shit gets exhausting after a while. So order your boyfriend to focus a little more on his own pleasure during sex and a little less on yours. Tell him that, for now, you would like him to be less giving and more taking. And if he worries about being selfish, you can tell him that a study conducted at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in British Columbia found that people with selfish sex partners reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction. (“Emerging Adulthood: An Age of Sexual Experimentation or Sexual Self-Focus?” by Hayley Leveque and Cory Pederson, 2010.)

I suspect, BIB, that once the focus is off you, you’ll be able to relax and enjoy sex more. You might even initiate once in a while. Good luck.

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