Published: March 13, 2013
My boyfriend is HIV-positive and I am not.
We haven't been intimate yet because he's not ready. He blames his HIV for everything. I know HIV is very serious, but I have some questions. I can't ask anyone I know without spilling his secret. If he misses taking his meds by 10 minutes, will it seriously affect his health? He has forced me to leave movies early, refused to go to work functions with me and even missed my birthday because we would miss his 10 p.m. med schedule. Anything that goes bad in our relationship, he blames it on the fact that he is positive and I am not. I feel like he manipulates me with his illness.
"My answer to PF's question – will his boyfriend's health be affected if he takes his meds 10 minutes late – is a resounding no," said Peter Shalit, a doctor, author and public speaker who has been treating HIV patients for 25 years. "Modern HIV meds have a lot of flexibility around when they are taken. His boyfriend can also carry the meds in his pocket if he's so OCD that he has to take them at the same exact minute every day."
Dr. Shalit doesn't think HIV is the problem here. "His boyfriend needs to stop blaming everything on his HIV, deal with it and get on with his life," he said. "My advice to patients taking meds for HIV: The daily act of taking your meds should have as much impact in your life as the daily act of brushing your teeth. How would it sound if someone said, 'I can't come to your birthday party because I need to brush my teeth'?"
Dr. Shalit and I both wonder why you put up with this guy. "He doesn't sound very pleasant to be around," said Dr. Shalit, and I agree. End this relationship – not because your boyfriend is poz, but because he's an asshole.
I met a boy on an online sports forum, and
I've fallen for him. And from what I can tell, he's fallen for me. The problem is that early in our relationship, he expressed certain attitudes about race that caused me to not be 100-percent honest with him. It turns out that he dislikes men of color and feels they are responsible for many of the problems in this world. Upon discovering this, I claimed to be white and even used Photoshop to make myself appear white in pics I sent him. I'm not black, but I am not white. Now that our relationship has come to the point where a meeting is planned, I am distraught. He is always so kind and loving, but when he makes comments about "ashy knees" and "big ethnic noses," I cry inside. I know he loves me, but I fear that he might not see past my skin color. He's young and Canadian, and I believe that he can overcome this. How do I go about confessing? Do I just show up to meet him at LAX, smile and hope for the best?
Lost And Worried
First off, LAW, you're not in a relationship. You've never met this person – excuse me, you've never met this racist piece of shit – and while two people can get to know each other via email, two people who've never actually met are not "together." You were alone in your room with your laptop the whole time, LAW, lying to a racist piece of shit and deluding and undervaluing yourself.
My advice: Call off the meeting and send the racist piece of shit your actual, un-retouched pics, along with an email that begins with something like "I don't know what I was thinking getting involved with you," and ends with something like "Now go fuck yourself, you racist piece of shit." Trust me, you'll feel better about this "relationship" if you dump the racist piece of shit before he has a chance to dump you.
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