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COLUMN

Savage Love

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Was your boyfriend having cybersex with an ex-girlfriend? Or did it only feel like he was? I would make a distinction, SAD, because while all porn constitutes a betrayal of the terms of your relationship, interacting with a stranger and, very likely, a professional online shouldn't feel quite so threatening.
Your boyfriend shouldn't have lied to you, SAD, but you shouldn't have been so naive as to believe him. If you can't bring yourself to forgive him for lying – if you can't put yourself in his shoes and try to understand why he might lie about this – then this relationship is doomed. End it and find a new boyfriend. But when your next boyfriend tells you he doesn't watch porn, you're going to look at him and say, "Suuuuuure, you don't."
Ask your new boyfriend to be discreet and limit his porn consumption to an extent where you're unlikely to uncover any evidence of it. If your new boyfriend manages to do that for you, SAD, you should be considerate enough to turn a blind eye on those rare occasions when you do stumble over evidence that your new boyfriend watches porn.

Six months ago, I ended a two-and-a-halfyear relationship. By "ended" I mean my then-boyfriend packed up everything I owned and put it on the lawn. He hacked into my email and read some very graphic letters about an affair I'd had in Mexico just weeks prior. My CPOS justifications: 1) We were on a break, and I had been living with friends to escape his anger problems and emotional abuse. I was seeing him periodically and slept with him a couple times. 2) He wouldn't go down on me. 3) When I tried to break up with him, he threatened suicide. 4) He had many kinks and a history of cheating, and he threatened that if I didn't participate in gang bangs, he would find someone who would.
I didn't feel safe sexually or emotionally with him, and I found an evening of relief from my shitty relationship in Mexico while we were on a break. I felt energized, attractive and like I was dealing with a healthy adult. That was the catalyst that got me out of the relationship on his terms, and I wouldn't do anything differently if I had a choice. Am I a CPOS?
My EX Isn't Completely Obtuse

A CPOS is a "cheating piece of shit," someone who cheats on a partner without grounds. You are not a CPOS, MEXICO. You wanted out, tried to get out, but couldn't get out because your crazy ex essentially took himself hostage by threatening suicide. (Which is an abuser's tactic, folks, please make a note of it.) Your infantile, manipulative, selfish ex wasn’t allowing you to go peacefully. Cheating on him and getting caught may not have been a conscious exit strategy on your part, MEXICO, but it was a perfectly executed one.

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