Published: January 30, 2013
I've been a fan of your Savage Lovecast for a long time, but I had to write after hearing Marty Klein's awesome talk about the fallacy of "sex addiction." I am 27, and for most of my adult life, I have suffered from complete sexual dysfunction with partners. I was ashamed and thought I was too sexually screwed up to be with a partner because I'm kinky. I was also afraid to seek help out of fear of being labeled "abnormal" or "addicted to porn." I managed to get a little better thanks to an encouraging, kinky, porn-loving, sex-positive female partner. In spite of feeling better, I am still having problems with partners. What are some good resources for finding a sex-positive therapist like Dr. Klein? I have been referred by several people to someone listed as a "certified sex addiction therapist," and I worry this is exactly the kind of sex-negative therapist that Dr. Klein mentioned on your podcast.
NON-Addict Despite Dumb Intolerant Counselors' Theories
"If the public knew how little sexuality training most therapists receive, they'd be stunned," says Dr. Marty Klein, a sex therapist, marriage counselor, psychotherapist and author. "You can get licensed as a marriage counselor or psychologist without hearing the words 'clitoris,' 'vibrator,' or 'amateur porn.' So 'How do I find a sex-positive therapist?' is a very important question."
Klein advises you start by contacting the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT.org). "NON-ADDICT should look for a member in his area," says Klein. "But the group is small, and not all of them will share his sexual values. Here's what he should ask a potential therapist: 'What are your sexual values?' 'How do you define healthy sexuality?' 'Are you comfortable talking about kinky sex?' 'Do you think monogamous, heterosexual, genitally oriented sex is ultimately better than other consensual arrangements?'"
Klein says there are many ways to find a local, progressive, sex-positive therapist. "He should call his local Planned Parenthood or LGBT center, a gynecologist or urologist, or the person who teaches sexuality at his local university, or a local divorce lawyer" and ask for a referral, advises Klein. You could even call a priest. "Most clergy send their sexuality cases to one or two local therapists, some of whom are quite progressive."
To read find out more about Dr. Klein and his work, go to martyklein.com.
I recently caught my boyfriend watching porn. We have talked about it before, and he said he didn't watch it while he was in a relationship. But when I caught him there with his dick in his hand, I lost it. This is my first serious relationship. I can't get over how sick and sad I feel. It feels like he was cheating on me. Should I be as upset as I am? It was interactive porn – it was like he was cybersexing with one of his ex-girlfriends. What should I do?
Sad And Deceived
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