Published: January 23, 2013
A friend of mine on the opposite coast is a cross-dresser considering transitioning. He came out to a female friend he had known for a long time but hadn't seen in a while, and she told her that she wanted her to come to her house fully dressed for some hot sex to "explore her bi-curiosity" or some shit. I told her to go for it, saying gender-transgression play is potentially hot. I neglected to mention that she should only go for it if she trusted this girl (hereafter known as "Evil Bitch"). Evil Bitch backed out as soon as she arrived, but took her out to dinner (still fully dressed) as consolation. When she first told me this, I thought, "Oh well, Evil Bitch got cold feet, that sucks.wsaxct" Now my friend is telling me that Evil Bitch messaged a bunch of mutual friends he wasn't out to, outing my friend to them. After my friend told Evil Bitch that what went down between them was private, Evil Bitch just responded with "LOL k," and THEN posted pictures from their dinner date – fully dressed – on her Facebook. I told my friend to call Evil Bitch up and tell her what a violation of privacy and betrayal of trust that was. She just called him a faggot and hung up. I feel bad because I encouraged her to go for it. Is there anything my friend can do? She's freaking out and thinks that Evil Bitch ruined her life.
Friend Of Crossdresser Betrayed By Evil Bitch
Your pronouns are all over the place, FOCBBEB. Your friend is a she, then a he, then a she, then a he. So I'm gonna stick with "Your Friend," despite how clunky it makes my response, because I can't tell how Your Friend identifies.
I can only assume that Your Friend and Evil Bitch exchanged emails, swapped texts, sent DMs via Twitter, etc., so Your Friend shouldn't accuse Evil Bitch of lying. That will prompt Evil Bitch to retaliate by posting emails, texts and DMs to Facebook, which will only make things worse for Your Friend.
Since Your Friend can't turn this around on Evil Bitch, there's no way for Your Friend to nip this situation in the bud. Your Friend can only get out in front of it. Your Friend is out about the cross-dressing now, at least, and Your Friend should embrace being out with as much good grace and courage as Your Friend can muster. And paradoxically, the more at peace with being out Your Friend appears to be, the fewer people Your Friend will be outed to. If Your Friend tries to keep this quiet, other malicious assholes will realize they can hurt Your Friend by spreading the news. If Your Friend acts like Your Friend couldn't care less who knows, malicious assholes will be less likely to spread it around.
I just read your column about evangelical girls "saddlebacking" (having anal sex in order to preserve their virginities). I am a 21-year-old and have been sexually active since age 14. I engage in oral and anal sex. I have never had vaginal intercourse, so technically I am still a virgin. My reason for doing this has NOTHING to do with religion and everything to do with AVOIDING PREGNANCY. And, yes, I think it would be nice to give the man I marry a rare gift on our wedding night. And with my experiences over the past seven years, I believe I will be able to keep my future husband fulfilled and quite happy in the bedroom.
> Email Dan Savage