Published: December 26, 2012
I just started an intense relationship with a guy who has a boyfriend. This guy and I love each other. However, he is uncomfortable with me meeting his boyfriend. I've asked if it's OK that we're fucking, and he said they're in an open relationship so it's OK. I asked if it's OK that we're in love, and he said yes. So, why the secrecy? My lover's only explanation is that his boyfriend doesn't want to know about the guys he fucks around with. The whole situation is starting to make me uneasy. I can't figure out why I want to know more about his boyfriend. Is it so I can verify that he's not cheating, or that jealousy is an issue for them and that's why I can't meet him? I do know that I wish my lover would be more open with me. Should I just relax?
The Other Person
Monogamous couples have one rule about fucking other people – "don't fuck other people" – but nonmonogamous couples have all sorts of different rules, TOP, and sometimes a particular couple's particular rules make it hard for a third to verify that the partnered person he's sleeping with is, in fact, in an honest and healthy open relationship.
That said, most couples with a "don't want to know about the other people you're fucking" rule – and that's a pretty common rule – also have a rule against getting emotionally involved with the other people they're fucking. So if it's against the rules for the guy you're seeing to introduce his boy-on-the-side to his boyfriend, TOP, odds are good that swapping "I love yous" with his boy-on-the-side is against the rules, too.
Someone is being lied to here. Either this guy is lying to you about being in an open relationship or he's lying to his boyfriend about not getting emotionally involved with the other guys he fucks. Whichever it is, TOP, I don't see a future for you with this guy – or much of a future for him and his boyfriend, frankly.
But to answer your question: No, don't relax. DTMFA.
I'm a feminine, submissive dyke. My girlfriend is absolutely amazing, and our sex life is awesome and really kinky. The problem is two of my friends. I've formed a pretty tight trio with two hot, funny tops. I've got tiny, manageable crushes on them both. My girlfriend knows, but she's secure enough in our relationship that she isn't bothered by it. The problem? My friends are fucking each other. They're also in happy open relationships with other women. Sounds great, right? Even though they're great friends most of the time, they definitely leave me feeling like the third wheel once in a while. How can I gently remind them that, even though they're not sleeping with me, I'd like a little more platonic attention friendship-wise?
Satisfied Under Butches
I suppose you could sit your friends down and say, "Hey, when you two move out of your friends-in-open-relationships-with-benefits honeymoon phase, I could use a little more friends-without-benefits attention." But there's almost no way to say that without coming across like a jealous, controlling bag of dykenuts, SUB. So I would urge you to hang back and trust that this honeymoon phase, like all honeymoon phases, will eventually pass, and these two friends will have more time for you in the future.
In the meantime, fuck your girlfriend lots and hang out with other friends. And remember: When you're feeling like the third wheel, SUB, it's because you're probably functioning as the third wheel. While first and second wheels can make an effort to prevent thirds from feeling like the thirds they are, thirds that make a decision to roll elsewhere generally wind up feeling better.
> Email Dan Savage