Published: October 24, 2012
A while ago, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. A few months after the breakup, I met someone new and we started sleeping together. It was the best sex of my life. Wild, passionate and unpredictable. New Guy wasn't looking for anything serious, and neither was I, so we kept things very casual.
After a couple months of amazing sex with New Guy, my long-term boyfriend came back into the picture. I told him I'd been seeing other people, but that I missed him and wanted to make things work between us. All good, right? Wrong! I love him so much, and I think we could have a very happy life together, but when we have sex, it just seems so dull and average compared to the volcanic sex that I was having during our time apart. Do I sacrifice an amazing sex life for a happy life of decidedly average sex with the man I love? Help!
Missing Amazing Sex
You're not going to be happy having safe, boring, predictable sex with Mr. Long Term for the long term, right? Not after all that wild, passionate, unpredictable sex with Mr. New Guy. So if things don't improve, your relationship with Mr. Long Term is doomed. So you have nothing to lose by slapping your cards down on the table, MAS.
Tell Mr. Long Term the truth: The sex has to get better. Now, maybe Mr. Long Term is the problem (he could be lousy at sex) or maybe it's the combo of you and Mr. Long Term that's the problem (maybe you two just don't click sexually), and the relationship is doomed no matter what you do. But there's a chance your problem is a relatively common hang-up, MAS. It's possible that you, or Mr. Long Term, or you and Mr. Long Term feel inhibited during sex because you're in love, and people who are in love are supposed to have sex one way (you're supposed to make safe, boring, predictable love). But people who aren't in love – people like you and Mr. New Guy – are free to have sex another way (they're allowed to have wild, passionate and unpredictable fucks).
Give Mr. Long Term permission to fuck you like he's never going to see you again. You should fuck him the same way. Fuck each other like the stakes are low – fuck like it's casual, fuck like it could end at any time. The "lovemaking" inhibition can be literally fucked to death, if it's indeed the problem here, and once you've fucked it good and dead, you'll see that you can have a happy life, a committed relationship and wild, passionate, unpredictable sex – with the same person!
But you gotta want it bad enough to fuck for it.
I'm a straight woman in a monogamous, long-distance relationship with a straight man. Last weekend, I went out with my roommate (also a straight woman, also in a committed relationship). We went to a club, took some E and did way too many tequila shots. We stumbled home and ended up fingerbanging each other in my bed. I have never had sexual feelings for my roommate, and she says she doesn't have them for me. Do I have to tell my boyfriend about this indiscretion? I know he would be confused and upset. It was a strange, one-time thing that I plan on never doing again.
Not A Lesbian I Think
If it was a one-time thing, if you learned your lesson, if you're sure it won't happen again, if you didn't contract anything and if there are no fetuses gestating (which, barring a miracle, is not an issue for you), you don't need to disclose this indiscretion. Chalk it up to the E and the tequila, change your sheets, scrub under your fingernails and spare your boyfriend the upsetting details.
Gay Republicans, Dan. Why? How?
Self-loathing, that's why. Homophobia, that's how.
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