Published: September 5, 2012
I've been dating someone for a little more than two months. After the second week, he was saying things like "We need a word between 'like' and 'love' because 'I like you' doesn't seem sufficient." After weeks of telling him to slow his roll, I agreed to make it official and stop dating and sleeping with other guys because he wanted to "lock it down." It's been a week, and he's still on Scruff and Growlr. I'm a little put off because he was the one who pushed for exclusivity and the title of boyfriend. Should I be concerned? Can hookup apps be part of a healthy, monogamous relationship? Obviously a talk is needed.
Sick of Scruff
Maybe your boyfriend wants to cheat but doesn't want to be cheated on – he wants his boyfriend locked down, but doesn't want to be locked down himself – or maybe he thinks it's too soon to delete his online personal profiles. Or maybe, like a lot of gay men, he treats hookup apps like a virtual gay bar, i.e., a place where he can hang out and socialize with friends and exes and, perhaps, get his flirt on now and then.
But if lurking on Scruff and Growlr makes his newly locked-down boyfriend feel insecure, he should stay off hookup apps. Or, if he simply can't give 'em up, your new boyfriend should allow you to look at his chats whenever you care to so you can see for yourself that they're either wholly innocent (just talking with friends) or wholly innocent flirting (swapping photos and compliments with hot guys but not making plans to hook up).
I'm a gay man who gained 30 pounds after I met my current boyfriend. I started dieting about a week before you ran a letter from a woman who was wondering about withholding sex until her husband lost some weight. I told my boyfriend not to have sex with me until I lost 15 pounds. It took me three and a half weeks to lose the weight, but it really strengthened our relationship. He was supportive of my weight-loss goals, he had an incentive to help me make healthier choices, and it brought an erotic tension to the process that we both dug. My only suggestion for the woman who wrote you: Don't tell people about it! The people we told were angry at my boyfriend for "withholding" sex unless I lost weight. But, hey, it worked!
Lighter In Loafers
As I said in my response to Like Boys Slimmer, if a couple can make the withholding of sex into an erotic game that they're both playing and both enjoying – and not an asshole move one partner is pulling – I could maybe see this sort of arrangement working. And I'm pleased to hear that at least one couple out there was able to successfully eroticize a diet by combining it with chastity play.
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