Published: August 22, 2012
While I was on vacation last week, sex writer, activist and feminist pornographer Tristan Taormino filled in for me. Writing the Savage Love Letter of the Day in my absence, Tristan gave some advice to a woman in a similar situation (kinky partner being treated to first fantasy-fulfillment experiences neglecting needs of indulgent vanilla partner): "Your boyfriend has finally been able to reveal his desires and fantasies to you," Tristan wrote. "That's a big deal, and when it happens, many people can go through a phase of being selfish and self-centered."
I agree with Tristan, but I would go a bit further: Your friend – your selfish, thoughtless friend – is taking advantage of you, and as he knows you well enough to sense that meeting his needs is "fun, sexy and meaningful" for you, he figures he can keep getting away with it.
Right now, your relationship isn't characterized by a healthy give-and-take of pleasure. You're servicing your ex – or, to put it more charitably, you're doing your ex a favor. The question for you is how long you intend to go on doing him this particular favor. If the pleasure you're taking in helping him realize his fantasies is enough, then perhaps you should keep doing him favors. But would you be writing to me about this situation if it were enough?
Early in August, a gentleman who signed himself WHACK wrote to you inquiring whether he should clear his browser history to keep his porn viewing from becoming known to his anti-porn wife, as the wife had noticed an empty browser history and gotten suspicious. Browser clearing is an option, of course, but most browsers also have an option that allows users to browse anonymously, without retaining any history, cookies, passwords, etc. Google Chrome calls it "Incognito," Safari and Firefox call it "Private Browsing," Internet Explorer calls it "InPrivate Browsing." Turn it on before entering NSFW sites and turn if off after leaving such sites and you can build up an innocent-looking browser history without anyone seeing anything that might displease them.
Fanatic About Privacy
Thank you, FAP, for writing in – and thanks to the millions of other harried husbands who wrote in to share the good news about private browsing features with WHACK.
To those who accused me of sex-advice malpractice for failing to mention private browsing features in my response to WHACK: I didn't know they existed, and for that I blame my husband. If my spouse were a smut-shaming scold who hated porn – more like WHACK's spouse – I would've discovered the private browsing features years ago.
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