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COLUMN

Savage Love

From time to time, I go to a bathroom on a mostly deserted floor, go into a stall and rub out a quick one

I work in an office tower in downtownSeattle. From time to time, I go to a bathroom on a mostly deserted floor, go into a stall and rub out a quick one. Usually, no one comes in.

Today, just as I was blowing a load into a handful of TP, someone came into the bathroom. This person walked up to the stall and stared through the door crack. This person stood there for a second before walking over to the urinal. He finished and left. I flushed and washed my hands and left. A security guard came around the corner while I was waiting for the elevator. He rode the elevator down with me but said nothing. At the lobby, I got in the elevator that takes me back to my floor. As the door closed, I heard someone say, “See that guy?”

I am paranoid that security is going to confront me. But have I done anything illegal? I may have exercised poor judgment and been squicky, but is it illegal to masturbate in a closed bathroom stall on private property?

Suddenly Pensive About Noontime Kicks

It isn't, SPANK, at least not in Seattle.

“There is an expectation of privacy in a bathroom stall,” says Seattle Police Department spokesperson Sergeant Sean Whitcomb. “So obviously, what people do there is their personal business.”

If things went down exactly as you described, SPANK, you're not in any legal danger, as you were doing your own private business in the privacy of a bathroom stall. The guy who peered into your stall, however, could be in trouble.

“Here's the irony: The person peeping into the stall is the person we'd be interested in talking to,” Whitcomb says. “You don't need to be peeping into the stall to see if someone is using it, and looking into a stall long enough to make a determination as to what the person is doing in that stall, exactly, is an indication that you've been looking a little longer than you need to.”

So, yeah, if anyone is going to jail here, SPANK, it's the peeper who reported you to the office tower's crack security team, not you.

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Forgive me for laughing, SPANK, but I'm having a hard time keeping a straight face. If someone called the actual cops about a toilet wanker – and not, say, the Seattle Police Department's polite and reasonable spokesperson – it's the wanker who'll wind up in handcuffs, not the caller. Beat cops don't generally give the benefit of the doubt to guys rubbing 'em out in public toilets. They'll assume you were cruising the toilet or, worse yet, that you're the kind of perv who gets off to the sounds and smells of other men taking craps, and they'll arrest you.

I'm stumped, Dan. In the novel Fifty Shades of Grey, which has been the subject of much discussion due to its controversial subject matter (a young woman gets involved in a BDSM relationship), the term “canning” is used numerous times. Despite my best efforts, I cannot find a definition for this practice. Who else can I turn to but you?

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