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COLUMN

Savage Love

I am a 26-year-old straight guy

And damn her timing, right? Because everything magically fell into place the moment she walked out.

So what can you do now? You can tell your ex that you've come to a couple of big realizations: You know yourself to be a straight man now and you can see that you were a terrible boyfriend then. You were so wrapped up in your own anxieties and kinks and insecurities that you couldn't meet her needs then but you can now. The only way you prove this to her, of course, is if she takes you back. Considering the price she paid when you were struggling – inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless, neglectful boyfriends are no fun, gender issues or no gender issues – she's likely to pass. Because life is basically one big issue after another, and she may have concluded that you're incapable of having an issue and being a decent boyfriend simultaneously.

If she doesn't take you back – if that pooch can't be unscrewed – resolve to learn from your mistakes, FML, and refrain from screwing the next pooch that comes your way.

I am a lesbian-identified bi woman whohas been with my ladyfriend (also a LIBW) for seven years. She recently brought up her desire to have a threesome. I've had a handful of group-sex experiences, and I know that they can be fun but they can also go very wrong. I am worried that she isn't prepared to see me have sex with a man, and I fear that once we are in the moment she won't be assertive enough to stop something that she may have agreed to beforehand but suddenly isn't comfortable with. What is the best way to test the waters?

Our next concern is who to invite into our bed. We would prefer it to be someone we wouldn't have to see again, so friends are out. However, I am concerned about just finding a random person on CL or Adult Friend Finder because, being in a lesbian relationship, we definitely have run across men who think we “just need the right penis.” Basically, I want a man who I know is friendly with the queer community and will respect our relationship and our boundaries. Where do we look for this?

Another Bi Woman

Established couples that want safety, respect and a measure of accountability from their very special guest sex stars should look first to flirty friends and friendly exes. But you two, like so many threesome-seeking couples, want the perfect person to materialize immediately before sex and disappear immediately after. That means finding and vetting a stranger. And online personal ads are the best way to accomplish that. State in your profile that you're looking for someone who 1) is queer-friendly, 2) respects your relationship and 3) doesn't think the “right” penis will turn you both straight.

Some guys will tell you whatever you want to hear, of course, which means you could wind up in bed with a man who doesn't believe any of those things. But he'll know to keep his mouth shut, and since you're not going to see him ever again, does it really matter what he thinks?

As for your fear that your girlfriend won't speak up in the moment: Address that with her, address it at length, and consider taking penis-in-either-of-your-vaginas sex off the menu for your first threesome.

I'm a 32-year-old bi gal into both sub and dom roles with men. I'm GGG and excited by trying out new-to-me stuff. I had never pondered sexless guy/guy ball busting before reading the letter from BSTD in your column last week. Now I don't know if I should thank or curse BSTD for giving ME a new kink! I think watching this would be so hot!

Bad Acronym Lass Loves Sex

I'm not one to toss that cruel “there's someone out there for everyone” bullshit around. Fact is, some people do wind up alone. But kinks usually aren't the reason. Whatever your kink might be, shy lil' kinksters, there are kinksters out there who either share it or will spark to it.

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