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Savage Love

I am the father of a recently out 18-year-old gay boy. Here's the problem, My son is in a relationship with a 31-year-old guy.

Whiny Angsty Sad Teen Entreats Dan

Sorry, WASTED, but you're gonna get the same advice I give to hard and hard-up 16-year-old straight boys: Worry less about getting your 16-year-old self laid and more about getting your 20-year-old self laid. Get out of the house and do shit, get books and read shit, volunteer for a political organization and change shit. You'll have more boys to choose from in a few years and you'll be a more interesting, more informed, more attractive guy thanks to all that doing, reading and volunteering. Beat off in the interim, WASTED, remembering to vary your masturbatory routine (left hand, right hand; firm grip, soft touch; with toys, without; lots of lube, just a drop; etc.), and try to cultivate your own erotic imagination (translation: Don't jerk off to Internet porn exclusively; use your imagination once in a while).

I'm not telling you that you should wait until you're 20 to date. But you'll find the next few years less aggravating if you take the long view and keep busy, all the while jerking it to your part's content. And who knows? You might meet a nice boy while you're out there doing shit.

As for those “sassy stereotypical caricature flamer types” …

SSCFTs can be attractive, and some guys are into SSCFTs. But some boys react to the pressures of being young, gay and out by dialing it up to 20. It's a force field – it's a fierce field – that many SSCFTs eventually drop. Which is to say: You may have already met your next boyfriend, WASTED, but his fierce field was up. You might want to give 'em a little time.

My 13-year-old nephew, who is straight, was in a play last year. It was a very positive experience. The only problem is one of the theater group's fans, who is 50 and gay, befriended my sister and seems to be fixated on my nephew: He posts to my nephew's Facebook page, he's constantly asking my sister to allow my nephew to spend the night at his apartment, etc. I would like you to weigh in on this situation, Dan. Other family members share my suspicions, but we're afraid to say anything to my sister because she has a temper. Should I go ahead and tell my sister and brother-in-law that I think the guy is attracted to my nephew?

A Worried Aunt

Thanksgiving, 2019: “I'm so sorry you got raped when you were 13. I thought something was off about that guy. But I didn't say anything at the time because I was afraid your mom would yell at me. So, um, pass the yams?”

Unless you're looking forward to making an apology like that after your nephew confronts his whole family for failing to protect him when he was a child, you should speak the fuck up. Talk to your sister, temper be damned, and talk to your nephew, too. Your sister could be color-blind in addition to being an angerbomb – prone to rages and incapable of seeing red flags – and it's possible that your nephew already told his mother that this man makes him uncomfortable and got yelled at himself.

Firmly raise your concerns, but don't make accusations. You may not have all the information. It's possible that this man has no sexual interest in your nephew. It's also possible that your nephew is gay, recently came out to his mother and father but wasn't ready to come out to his extended family, and this man is mentoring your nephew at your sister's request. But even so, 50-something gay men do not invite 13-year-old boys to sleepovers for the same reason 50-something straight men don't invite 13-year-old girls to sleepovers: Suspicions will be aroused, even if nothing else is. In my opinion, the invite itself is a mentor-disqualifying display of piss-poor judgment. Speak up, AWA.

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