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Savage Love

I was recently advised to begin reading your column by my therapist

Don't marry the first dominant woman you play with, SUB, or bail on the first strictly vanilla girl with whom you hit it off. A dominant woman you don't enjoy spending time with outside the bedroom isn't someone you can realistically spend the rest of your life with; a vanilla girl who really likes you may get there – she may discover that she gets off on being in charge – if you're patient and attentive to her sexual interests.

Finally, SUB, if you do want to come out to friends and family about being kinky, here's a great short video on the subject: tinyurl.com/comingoutkinky.

I am a 21-year-old gay male. For the past six months, I have been having an affair with a man in his mid-40s. After our first hookup, he told me he was married and had three children. I was shocked at this. However, we continued to meet up for sex. I have come to the conclusion that I am fine with this man keeping me a secret. I have fallen for him and he has fallen for me, but I have no desire to break up his family. His wife was his high-school sweetheart, and he says she is his best friend. He also tells me that if I were to quit our sexcapades, which happen to be the best sex I have ever had, he would find another man, or other men, because he is attracted to men. We hook up every week in discreet locations where he would never get caught. I don't plan on telling anyone. I am torn, because we both acknowledge that, if the situation were different, we would make excellent life partners. I am deeply in love with this guy and want more out of our relationship, however I do respect him and would never out him. I just want to know if I should continue our relationship.

His Secret Love


I usually love your advice and first wanna say thanks for supporting the monogamish. I'm one of the many who is happier with a little freedom – and the occasional threesome or foursome – but who also values ground rules, respect and honesty. Bummer some guys seem to think deceit is the only way to play. So thanks for so many years of great advice. But … WOW!

Sometimes you really show your limits as a gay man. Someone writes to you about having sex with his girl during her period and what to do about the bloody sheets they're going to leave behind in their hotel room, and you don't even mention the Instead Softcup! No woman has to bloody sheets or towels – or her man or her lady or her toys – just by sticking a cup up there!

Maybe I should go easy on you, Dan, because most ladies are unaware of this awesome option. (Most ladies aren't sex columnists, however!) It tucks up inside, it works for 12 hours, and you can't feel it when you have sex. (My man is hung, and we actively tried all sorts of angles, speeds, pressure, etc., and he can't tell it's in there.) Put one in and you don't get messy! And ladies? Don't tell me you're squeamish about sticking your fingers up there. Get freakin' comfortable with your own damn bodies already!

Stainless In San Francisco

Sometimes my readers learn from me, SISF, sometimes I learn from my readers. This is one of the latter times. Ladies who want to learn more about the Instead Softcup can go to the website: softcup.com. Thanks for sharing, SISF!

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