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COLUMN

Savage Love

Thank you for your advocacy of monoga-mishy

I'm a 25-year-old straight man. One ofmy best buddies is gay, and I'm in gay bars with him twice a week or so. (We like to drink!) My question: What's the correct response when I get hit on by men in gay bars? If a guy comes on strong, I kind of feel bad saying, "I'm straight." Because I don't want him to think I'm saying, "You're disgusting." So what's the etiquette for a straight guy in a gay bar? Is it wrong to say you have a boyfriend instead of just saying you're straight?

Not Overly Concerned Lost Useless Entity

Guys who either don't have boyfriends or do have boyfriends but are in monogamish relationships will frequently say "I have a boyfriend" to get rid of a guy at a bar who they don't find attractive. So be honest, NOCLUE. Finding out he never had a shot at you because you're straight will be easier on a guy's ego than having to wonder what it is you and your imaginary boyfriend didn't find attractive about him.

Now, some gay dudes will be annoyed when they discover that the guy they've invested 10 whole minutes in eye-fucking isn't gay, but most will welcome your presence as proof that – forgive me – it gets better. Straight dudes hanging out in gay bars with their gay friends? Straight dudes who are secure enough in their own sexuality that they're comfortable with being viewed as a sex object by other men? Sure signs of progress, NOCLUE. That some gay dudes will have to waste a few precious minutes of their lives flirting with men they can't suckfuckrimdatemarry is a small price to pay to be reminded that we live in a less homophobic world.

I have a super-hot, considerate, caringgirlfriend with a high libido with whom I share many long-term goals. The problem is that she bugs the shit out of me. She chews with her mouth open, she listens to music I dislike and she swears at inappropriate times. I'm in my mid-30s and not sure what I should do. Settle?

Second Thoughts

We have something in common, ST: I once met a guy who was super-hot and caring and considerate, a guy whose libido matched my own and whose long-term goals aligned with mine, and who just so happened to bug the shit out of me.

Here's what I did: I married that motherfucker.

My husband still bugs the shit out of me sometimes, just as I doubtless bug the shit out of him sometimes. But there's no such thing as a bug-free boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/unicorn/gimp/whatever. LTRs are about identifying the bugs that some caring and consistent prodding can fix – like that chewing-with-her-mouth-open shit – and accepting and finally learning to ignore the bugs that no amount of prodding will ever change.

And take it from me, ST: Hot, considerate, caring, similarly libidinous and shared long-term goals isn't a package that comes along every day. You could do a lot worse.

STRAIGHT-RIGHTS WATCH: In 2010, Americans voted Republican hoping – despite 30 years of evidence to the contrary – that the GOP might know something about creating jobs. Surprise! Turns out that all the GOP knows how to do is wage war on American women. The GOP's attack on abortion morphed into an attack on Planned Parenthood which morphed into an attack on access to contraception which finally morphed into an attack on the 98 percent of American women who use or have used contraception. (Sluts and prostitutes, one and all, according to Rush Limbaugh.) The GOP's war on choice, contraception, cancer screenings and women won't end until the fuckers waging it are driven out of office.

Pissed off? Great! Do something about it.

Go find a pro-choice Democrat who's running for office against an anti-choice/anti-woman motherfucker and send that Dem a check or, if you live in his or her district, volunteer for that Democrat. Fight back!

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