Savage Love

I had a threesome with my husband and another woman because I am GGG and that’s always been a fantasy of his. I laid out my ground rules, and they were violated. (I said I was uncomfortable with his P in her V, and I ended up watching them fuck.) I didn’t stop it at the time because I didn’t want to ruin it for him. It’s been some time, and my heart is still broken. I was completely down with every other aspect of the threesome, but I feel like a line was crossed. Am I wrong to feel hurt?

Heartbroken

Please hand this column to your husband. My response is for him.

You are one stupid motherfucker.

Here’s how you’re a motherfucker: Your wife agreed to have a threesome on one condition – no penis-in-vagina intercourse with the other woman. That’s a fairly common ground rule for first-time threesomes, and you agreed to honor that ground rule. But you went ahead and stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway.

Maybe you felt your wife’s no-penis-in-our-third’s-vagina ground rule was arbitrary. Maybe it seemed like a distinction without a difference – you were already sucking and fondling and kissing and rolling around, why should fucking be against the rules? – but it mattered to your GGG wife. And your wife consented to that threesome only after you agreed not to stick your penis in the other woman’s vagina. And when you went ahead and did it anyway, you stupid motherfucker, that threesome suddenly became a nonconsensual sexual experience for your wife. And now she feels violated.

Because you violated her.

She felt obligated to play along and pretend she was fine with your penis in the other woman’s vagina because she didn’t want to ruin the experience for you, for starters, and she probably didn’t want to make your third feel uncomfortable – a third who either didn’t know about the no-penis-in-her-vagina ground rule or knew about it and didn’t give a shit (which makes her a malicious motherfucker) – and as a result, your wife may feel complicit in her own violation. Talk about mind-fucks!

That’s how you’re a motherfucker. Here’s how you’re stupid: If you had demonstrated to your wife during your very first threesome that you could be trusted, this threesome would very likely have been the first in a whole series of sexual adventures. If you had kept your penis out of the other woman’s vagina, you stupid motherfucker, your wife might have trusted you with more and allowed you to do more during a future threesome. You might have gotten to penis-in-vagina intercourse with another woman with your wife’s enthusiastic consent!

To others out there with partners who have agreed to have a threesome: Sometimes, a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. When your partner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifice out of bounds, he or she isn’t just holding something back because it’s special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries. Respecting your partner’s boundaries – honoring those ground rules – sends a message: “I may be messing around with someone else with your OK, but I love you, and your emotional and sexual needs still come first.”

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