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Savage Love

I am a straight 24-year-old female

Forgive me, LAME, for what I’m about to type.

You’re being used. Your ex-girlfriend sent that out-of-the-blue text because she wanted to feel wanted. Maybe she got dumped recently, or maybe she’s in the midst of a dry spell, or maybe she’s just selfish and cruel. But all she’s after here – most likely – are the ego boosts your texts provide. And to keep those boosts coming, LAME, she’s dangling a little false hope in front of you: She told you the truth so she wouldn’t have to admit to herself that she’s a manipulative liar (she only thinks of you as a friend) and then tacked on some meaningless, impossible-to-disprove crap (a relationship might be possible if she starts to have feelings for you again) to keep you textin’.

You dated her three years ago … when you were 15. You’re not in love with her, LAME, you’re in love with the way she made you feel. There are other girls out there who can make you feel that way. Go find one.

I’m a 35-year-old GGG married malewith a 33-year-old not-so-GGG wife. We’ve been together 17 years and married four months. She was a virgin when we met and she’s never been too sexual a person. I am a very sexual person, but she kept me satisfied with oral, dress-up, sex in different places – things like that. Things really started to fall off sexually around our 10th year together. When I mentioned it, she said that she felt I was never going to marry her, so why should she give me 100 percent? I enjoy oral and watching women masturbate, and she wouldn’t do either and blamed it on the marriage thing. Five years later, I gave her the big wedding she wanted. I actually enjoy being married. Now, here’s my dilemma: She won’t do anything besides traditional sex – and only when she’s awake enough to actually have sex, and I always have to initiate. When I mention things like oral or toys or masturbation, she says she feels uncomfortable doing things like that. If she would have told me this before, my decision to get married might have been different. I don’t want her to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable or degraded. But in my opinion, what I’m asking for is not “kinky,” certainly when compared to some of the things I could be into.

We’ve had this discussion consistently throughout our short marriage, with no sign of her even trying. Am I doomed to a bad marriage, or is there something I can do? Because talking isn’t working. I feel she lied to me to get me to marry her, and now I don’t know what to do. Any advice is appreciated.

Lots Of Sexual Tension

All your options are bad, LOST.

Stay married, stay faithful and stew in your own frustration and resentment until you die; stay married, cheat with cause and hope you don’t get caught; inform your spouse that you’re not going to ask her to do things she’s not comfortable with but you’re also not going to ask for her permission to do those things with other women, and be cast as the villain when she files for divorce; or initiate the divorce yourself, find a new partner and make sure your new partner both enjoys sex and enjoys the kinds of sex you do before you marry her. (Hint: If she likes sex, and likes the stuff you like, she’ll want to do that stuff whether you’re married to her or not.)

Sorry, LOST, but that’s all I got.

HEY, EVERYBODY: You know how Mormons “baptize” dead people who weren’t Mormons – including Holocaust victims – because Mormons believe they have a right to choose Mormonism for the deceased? And you know how the Mormon Church says that being gay is a choice? The same church that doesn’t think you should have a choice about being posthumously baptized? Well, now you can choose homosexuality for dead Mormons! Just go to alldeadmormonsarenowgay.com, enter the name of a deceased Mormon or ask the site to find a dead Mormon for you, and – presto! – that dead Mormon gets to have a gay afterlife!

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