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COLUMN

Savage Love

I headed north last week to do Savage Love Live

I headed north last week to do Savage Love Live – a rapid-fire, slightly tipsy Q&A session – at the University of Alaska Anchorage. It was my third visit to UAA and it was a blast. All of the questions in this week’s column were submitted to me by UAA students and staffers.

Should I go ahead and divorce my fantastic wife of 23 years now because gay marriage is going to destroy it eventually anyway?

–Tony From Wasilla

You might as well do it now, if only to beat the rush. Just in the last couple of weeks, the Ninth Circuit ruled that California’s Proposition 8 is unconstitutional, the governor of Washington State signed marriage equality into law and marriage-equality campaigns made huge strides in Maryland and Maine. Pretty soon, all the lawyers who specialize in “traditional divorce” are going to be booked solid as traditional marriages buckle under the strain of all of this equality nonsense. Wait too long to get divorced, and you may not be able to get divorced at all. Find a lawyer now!

I am with a girl who is a female ejaculator. It’s pretty cool, but the quantity of ejaculate is way too much. Am I getting peed on here?

–Tidal Wave

You’re not getting peed on. (Science says: female ejaculate isn’t urine.) But don’t take my word for it: Ask your girlfriend to piss on you sometime, and see if you can’t tell the difference.

My friend is a lesbian but recently started dating a gay man. They seem really happy. What does that make them? They were both really active in the LGBT community before getting together.

–Confused Straight Ally

You see that “B” in LGBT, CSA? It stands for “bisexual,” and it’s there for a reason. Your friend may have been B all along, or perhaps she’s just B for this one particular guy, and he’s B for her, but there’s really nothing to be confused about, and your friends can and should remain active in the LGBT community.

I know about your “price of admission” theory. What else do you have to offer by way of advice for a healthy, lasting relationship?

–Annoyed With Him

Selective, self-induced short- and long-term memory loss.

You have to learn to shrug off minor and sometimes not-so-minor annoyances – maybe even a betrayal or two over the decades – because an ability to forgive and truly forget is necessary for the survival of any long-term relationship. If you’re having a hard time getting there, speak to your doctor about medical marijuana.

How do you tell a more-than-a-friendthat his hygiene is an issue?

–The New Girlfriend

“Hey, big boy, you stink. Jump in the shower – there’s a blowjob in it for you.”

I can’t brag to my friends, but I need tobrag publicly and anonymously: I had a threesome for the first time, and it was AWESOME. Highly recommended!

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