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COLUMN

Savage Love

I'm a 21-year-old gay male

I’m a 21-year-old gay male. My friend“Marcelo” is friends with “Chad.” Everyone who meets Chad assumes he’s gay. Never had a girlfriend, a dance major, dyes his hair blond/green/purple, got up at 2 a.m. to watch Kate marry William – I could go on. Over four years at college, this situation has gone from funny to sad as we realize he may never come out and could pull a Marcus Bachmann and live a miserable life with a miserable wife. Last night, Marcelo was on Grindr and got a message from a guy who turned out to be Chad! Chad sent a face pic, Marcelo sent a faceless one back, they chatted. It turns out that Chad is experienced enough to know his homosex likes and dislikes and carry on a detailed conversation about them with a guy on Grindr. Should we say something to Chad? Would letting him know he’s been outed be the best course of action? Should we have a gayvention?

Closet Case Confusion

Chad hasn’t “been outed.” Chad outed himself.

Before Al Gore invented the Internet and ruined everything for everyone forever, a college-age closet case had to work up the nerve to visit the campus gay bar if he wanted some dick. The closet case knew he was running a risk by showing his face in the campus gay bar – even the gay bar three towns over – but going to the bar was the only way to get some dick. So the pre-Grindr college-age closet case would slip into a gay bar and, after pounding shots in a wildly successful effort to self-medicate against his inhibitions, wind up shirtless on the dance floor making out with some random dude.

There was a code of conduct for friends of closet cases when I was in college and a section of it dealt with dance-floor make-out sessions: If you saw a guy who told you he was straight in class on Friday morning making out with some random dude on the dance floor of the campus gay bar on Friday night (or in the gay bar three towns over), you had a right – no, you had a responsibility – to tap him on the shoulder, smile, and say, “Welcome out, dude.”

And if you had engaged in a little subterfuge – if you, say, ducked behind a post when you saw the closet case come in so he wouldn’t spot you and flee the gay bar pre-shots/shirtless-make-out-session – that was an understandable impulse and forgivable sin.

What Chad is doing on Grindr – sending out face pics, chatting about his homosex preferences – is the Grindr-era equivalent of making out with a random dude on the dance floor of a campus gay bar. What Marcelo did was the Grindr-era equivalent of ducking behind a post. And now Marcelo has a right – no, a responsibility – to tap Chad on the shoulder and, without any sense of malice or triumph, say, “Welcome out, Chad.”

I’m an 18-year-old male who is weirdin the way of a bit of crossdressing and pegging. My girlfriend endorses these interests, and I love her for that. Recently, a hot 22-year-old gay guy told me he was interested. I tried to tell him I was in a relationship, but we kissed. It sucked ass. His stubble hurt, he used too much tongue and I got nothing out of it. Do I tell my girlfriend? I worry that telling will make her worry, and the worry will cause distrust, and that distrust will ruin a great three-year run.

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