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COLUMN

Savage Love

My husband is a very kinky submissive man

Or … having and keeping sexual secrets may turn your husband on, and having a secret life could be another one of his kinks. Even if this is the issue, I think you two should be able to come to mutually agreeable terms that accommodate both his desire to have a secret and your need for full disclosure.

Here’s a potential compromise: He doesn’t keep anything from you, but he doesn’t disclose in real time. So long as he’s not being unsafe or neglectful, so long as his online activities remain online-only, he can carry on flirting and texting and pic swapping. But every few months, you get to depose his submissive ass. You get to sit him down and ask him questions, and he answers all your questions truthfully and opens up about any current secrets that your questions didn’t uncover. This way, he can have all the erotic secrets he wants (he’ll just have to make new ones every few months), and you can have the transparency you need (you just won’t have it immediately). Good luck.

I’m a 29-year-old gay guy who’s notsure where to find what I’m looking for. I’m turned on by the idea of a dominant guy, but most of the guys I attract are pure vanilla. When I look online at the fetish-friendly dating sites, most of the dom guys say shit like “If you have a list of things you will and won’t do, you’re not a sub.” I want to give up control, but I don’t want to be some guy’s “bitch.” Can there be dominance without degradation? Is a boyfriend who’s an equal in life but in charge in the bedroom a unicorn? Where do I look?

Needs Include Controlling Empathy

The dominant boyfriend you’re looking for is out there somewhere, NICE, you just need to keep looking. And remember: Sometimes, dominant boyfriends are made, not born. By which I mean: Don’t rule out the vanilla boys you attract. A guy who likes you is gonna want to meet your needs, sexual and otherwise. If you give a vanilla boy a chance, and if you’re honest about what turns you on, you may find that you awaken something in one of those vanilla guys that was there all along – a little dominant streak – but would’ve lain dormant if it weren’t for you.

And you were right to run from those dominant tops who insisted that “true subs” don’t have preferences, limits or lists, NICE. Not even submissive guys who are into degradation and being someone’s “bitch” should fall for – or submit to – that kind of crap.

Your question last week from the guywho “stumbled over” his brother’s femdom sex blog reminded me of a funny story: My little brother came out to my conservative-but-not-particularly-religious Jewish parents in 1995. It was rough. Our parents refused to help pay for my wedding because I insisted on inviting my brother and his boyfriend. Mom and Dad are now rightly embarrassed by their behavior and they worship his husband. (It helps that my brother married a doctor – some stereotypes are true.)

Last year, my parents found out that my older brother – their straight son – is kinky. A vindictive ex hacked into his email and sent a letter to everyone in his address book. Big bro has a dungeon, his current girlfriend is his slave, he’s made BDSM porn. The email came with pictures no mother would want to see. Mom, completely distraught, called her gay son: “Why can’t Josh have a normal relationship!” she cried. “Like yours!”

So far as Mom is concerned, her gay son is normal and her straight son is a freak. Is that progress, Dan?

Brothers Done Shocking Mom

I don’t know if it’s progress, BDSM, but it’s hilarious. And I trust that you’re sticking up for your kinky straight brother now just like you stuck up for your gay brother back in the day.

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