I am a 25-year-old gay man
Published: December 29, 2011
I am a 25-year-old gay man. I consider myself very gay-positive and self-accepting. Although I have always accepted my homosexuality and never really felt bad about it, recently I have been going through a hard time psychologically because I’m exposing myself to very graphic homophobic online content. There are blogs, online groups and websites that cater to gay men who like to be abused and degraded by “straight” men. These websites have content that is extremely degrading. Some people write extensively about how all gay rights should be rolled back.
I am very disturbed because I am actually aroused by content that shows supposedly straight men degrading gay men. I have spent hours reading these homophobic posts and staring at graphic homophobic pictures, and I always come away feeling disturbed, insecure and unhappy. But when I’m horny, I go right back. The worst feeling comes from knowing that a lot of those people don’t seem to recognize it as just a fantasy, but instead believe in the homophobic views they express.
I was never disturbed by BDSM-type fantasies or BDSM porn, as it never seemed to be related to homophobia at all. But this type of dom/sub thing is very disturbing, as people don’t seem to be “just playing” and it is playing with a real-world violent and powerful hate ideology. Is it OK for me to just view this as another harmless fantasy or is this something I need to control or get help dealing with? Secondly, are the people who contribute, participate in and produce such gay-bashing sexualized content just indulging in a version of acceptable BDSM/kink or is it dangerous to use a prevalent hate ideology in sex play?
Not An Inferior Faggot
You’re not inferior, NAIF, and you’re not alone.
In fact, you have lots of horny soul mates out there – think of strong feminist women with rape fantasies, think of faithful Jews with Nazi fetishes, think of empowered African Americans who get off on Master/slave role-play scenes. And think of all the gay men out there turned on by those vaguely threatening male archetypes. I mean, come on: All those cliché gay male sex symbols – truckers, skinheads, marines, cops, firemen, gangbangers – don’t exactly represent the kinds of people or professions that have historically been associated with tolerance.
A person can safely explore degrading fantasies – even fantasies rooted in “hate ideology” – so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing this stuff. Basically, you have to build a firewall between your fantasies and your self-esteem. Once you do that, you’ll be able to enjoy your “straight men abusing fags” fantasies without feeling devastated after you come. In fact, successfully building that firewall and then enjoying your fantasies without shame can leave you feeling stronger and more empowered for having these fantasies in the first place. Call it the sub’s paradox: A D/s sub who can enjoy his fantasies without being shredded by them is in control, not being controlled – regardless of how things might appear to a casual or misinformed observer.
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