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COLUMN

Savage Love

I'm an evangelical Christian in a country where that is not a political statement

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I’m an evangelical Christian in acountry where that is not a political statement. My husband and I have been married five years. We have great sex several times a week despite having two kids under age 2. We get along so well that even a couple of my atheist friends have admitted they want what we have. What most of them don’t know is that we waited until after the wedding to have sex – or even kiss.

Most secular folk would consider it reckless to tie the knot before making sure we were “sexually compatible,” whatever that means. You seem like a pretty secular guy, so let me ask you: What exactly were we supposed to watch out for?

Consider our specific situation: Two adult virgins, ready to promise to our God, friends, family and government that we will stick together until one of us dies. Is there anything we could have learned about each other through sex that would have changed our minds?

I’m not stupid (I’m a physician), but I can’t figure this one out. Please tell me what disaster we might have brought upon ourselves by not going for a test ride first.

Happily Married Woman

For someone who claims she isn’t stupid, HMW, you’re doing a pretty convincing job of playing dumb.

You damn well know what “sexually compatible” means, as you’re lucky enough to be married to a man with whom you’re sexually compatible. You want the same things he wants (I’m taking your word for that), you satisfy each other equally (taking your word for that) and you’re both content (taking your word for that). That’s what people mean by sexually compatible.

That you wound up married to a man with whom you’re sexually compatible despite not fucking him once or twice before marriage can be credited to one of two things: You were smart (you figured you two would be sexually compatible and those calculations proved correct) or you were lucky (you hoped you two would be sexually compatible and, as luck would have it, you were). But don’t pretend that your happiness was guaranteed by waiting or by God.

It’s understandable that you’re pleased that everything worked out for you, but your smugness and self-satisfaction seems a little un-Christian, if I may say so. Where’s the humility? Where’s some of that there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I stuff? There are plenty of people out there who made the same choices you did – they waited, they made a solemn promise before God, family, friends, etc. – and their marriages fell apart due to issues of basic sexual incompatibility.

And finally, HMW, I can think of a million examples of things you “could have learned about each other through sex” on your wedding night that might have led you to change your mind about waiting. I’m just going to toss one out there: Suppose your husband announced when you got to your honeymoon suite that he wouldn’t be able to climax unless you took a massive shit on his chest before vaginal intercourse commenced. Would that have changed your mind about the advisability of marrying him without fucking him once or twice first?

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