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COLUMN

Savage Love

I am marrying a man with two children

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Over a year ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I let the whole thing drag out way too long and made a lot of bad choices, and hurt her a lot more than I needed to. Three months after it was over, I broke contact with her. Six weeks later, she started calling me, but I didn’t respond. One night around then I was in my basement bedroom at about midnight. She started calling me and I ignored the calls. Then I heard a knock on my window. I came outside, and she was next to my bedroom window. She came at me and started screaming. I could smell alcohol on her, and she started choking me. She spent that night in jail, having been dragged off my front porch by two policemen, but not before kicking in a window. The last communication I had with her was an email in which I told her not to contact me again or I would put a restraining order on her. It’s been about a year now, and I find myself wanting to contact her again, to say something like “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” I want to know if she’s OK, if she’s on a good path, etc., but I don’t want to be her friend, or even see her in person ever again. When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex?

Wanting Après-Resolution

Never, WAR. Never is too soon to contact a truly crazy ex.

If you’re concerned about how she’s doing, ask a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend or lurk on her Facebook page like everybody else. But if what you’re after is some sort of absolution for the excessive hurt your “bad choices” caused her – choices you didn’t elaborate on in your rush to get to her faults – then you’re not really motivated by any genuine concern for her well-being, WAR, just by a selfish desire to ease your guilty conscience. Either way, no good will come of contacting her. Let it go.

I’m gay, been gay for years now, andI want to be with a man as a life partner. My problem is that I honestly don’t enjoy anal, but I like my boyfriend to be dominant, the man, the boss – however you want to define it. Is that just plain weird? Will I find a man?

Worried About My Ever After

The results of a study recently released in the Journal of Sexual Medicine might interest you, WAMEA.

Researchers from George Mason University and Indiana University asked nearly 25,000 gay and bi men about their last sexual encounter with another dude. “Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” Joshua G. Rosenberger, one of the study’s authors, writes. Fewer than 40 percent of the men surveyed had anal sex during their last sexual encounter. “There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time,” Rosenberger says. (Most interesting data point: Gay and bi men have “immense sexual repertoires.” Researchers documented more than “1,300 combinations of activities.” Most concerning data point: Only half the men who reported having anal intercourse the last time they fucked used condoms. Many of these men are, presumably, in long-term relationships, and may not need to use condoms. But high HIV-infection rates among gay and bi men prove that there are lots of guys out there who should be using condoms and are not.)

Back to you, WAMEA: Some of those gay and bi guys studied might have had anal sex the second-to-last time they got it on, or were looking forward to anal the next time. But we know from other studies that there are lots of gay and bi guys out there – some estimates put it at 25 to 30 percent – who never have anal sex. They just don’t dig it. Your mission is to find a dominant, manly, bossy man with whom you’re sexually compatible, i.e., a bossy top who wants to fuck your throat, your fist, your clenched thighs, your Christmas ham – whatever – but not your ass.

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