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COLUMN

Savage Love

I broke up with a girl who wasn't hot enough for me

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Here’s the problem: I don’t have an out-of-this-world libido. My boyfriend doesn’t mind and seems content. But I want to fuck the new guy’s brains out all the time. I don’t understand! I love my boyfriend and I find him attractive, and this other guy is not my type in any way. I am NOT going to cheat on my boyfriend, but I don’t know what to do!

Feelings Are Not Technically Alright Sometimes, Y’know?

First potential explanation: Like most 18-year-olds, you don’t know your hole from an ass in the ground. Part of dating, at your age, is discovering what works for you, who works for you and what you want. Sometimes what you think you want isn’t what you actually want. So it’s possible that your long-term boyfriend is a nice guy, a good guy and an attractive guy. But he’s not the kind of nice, good, attractive guy who turns you on. So your libido may be just fine, FANTASY, it’s just that you have yet to date a guy who cranks your libido into gear. In other words: This guy might indeed be your type. You just don’t know it yet.

Second potential explanation: Women tend to be attracted to one type of guy when they’re not ovulating (nicer guys: good parents and helpful partners) and a different type of guy when they are ovulating (rougher guys: lousy parents and worse partners). Lots of women in long-term, stable relationships with nice guys enjoy manly-man-eye-candy when they’re ovulating and then fuck their nice guy’s brains out. But you’re going to complicate your life considerably if you live with both types, i.e., the nice guy you want to marry and the masculine-type guy whose brains you want to fuck out when you’re shitting eggs.

What to do? Well, if it’s explanation No. 1, dump your boyfriend and date your roommate. If it’s explanation No. 2, ogle your roommate and fuck your boyfriend.

A gay couple, friends of mine, justannounced their wedding this coming summer in Vancouver. They’ve broken up and reunited countless times over the last 10 years; they fight and cheat on each other. Separately they’re wonderful people, but together they’re a fucking nightmare. I suspect this will be one of those marriages that will collapse quickly. So it occurs to me: How much social pressure will there be for gay married folks not to get divorced? After all, the homophobes will soon use gay divorce rates as an argument against gay marriage, right?

The Straight Best Man

Wrong.

Half of all opposite-sex marriages end in divorce, TSBM, which makes it pretty easy to deflect arguments about a gay divorce somehow proving that same-sexers aren’t worthy. And divorce – access to the courts to divide up joint property, work out custody arrangements, determine spousal support, etc. – is one of the important rights that comes with marriage.

And did you know that the first same-sex couple to legally wed in Canada wound up divorcing? And that the first same-sex couple to legally marry in the United States also wound up divorcing? No and no, TSBM, because evangelical Christians – those rabid opponents of marriage equality – haven’t made it an issue. And why haven’t they? Oh, probably because the divorce rate among conservative evangelical Christians is higher than the divorce rate among less batshit Christians, nonbelievers and Americans who live in Massachusetts. The haters don’t want to make divorce an issue because it makes them look bad, not us. As for your friends …

Some people love conflict and drama, and it’s for the best when two drama-seeking conflictophiles pair off and marry each other. It can be hard on friends and family at first, TSBM, but once you realize that a couple is a pair of perfectly matched conflictophiles – both parties are equally awful, neither is being abused, two innocent people were spared when these two fuckers found each other – you don’t have to pretend you give a flying fuck about their drama anymore.

So when asshole Adam goes, “Steve cheated on me!,” you go, “He’s cheated on you before, Adam. And it’s only a matter of time before you cheat on him. Again. Now, how about Occupy Wall Street? About fucking time, huh?”

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