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COLUMN

Savage Love

first line of story

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I’m sorry if all of that sounds harsh, pretty little hippie, and there are worse things you could do than be a player and a prick tease. (And, hey, I’m all for fucking with conflicted closet cases.) But at some point, you’re going to have to admit – at least to yourself – that your “I love everybody” routine is a disguise, and you get off on creating confusion, and you’re a narcissist (perhaps with cause) with a sadistic streak (not that there’s anything wrong with a sadistic streak, properly channeled).

You’re the satyr, DARE, not the faun. Own it.

I’m 26, bi, female and my idea of a successful long-term relationship lands somewhere between monogamish – awesome word! – and completely nonmonogamous. Basically, I want a primary partner but I enjoy me some women, and a threesome sounds like a great birthday present. I’ve tried telling potential partners about my kinks on the first date. At first, they’re all into it – I’m every dude’s dream, right? – but eventually the men all change their minds about wanting that type of relationship. What am I doing wrong?

Apparently NOT Every Man’s Dream

So basically, ANEMD, you’re 26 years old and you’re still single.

Where do I send flowers?

Look, kiddo, you might wanna think of your romantic history this way: Every man you’ve been with so far either hasn’t wanted the type of relationship you’re offering or hasn’t wanted you. That doesn’t mean there aren’t men out there who do want the type of relationship you’re offering and/or you, only that you haven’t met one yet. And that’s perfectly normal for someone your age. Keep calm, carry on and push that kink conversation back to the third date.

I’m a 27-year-old straight guy. Thisgirl I work with is everything I want in a partner. We’ve been flirting at work and on Facebook, and it’s getting to the point where one of us has to make a move. But she’s already got a boyfriend. I’ve been the guy who gets cheated on, and I won’t do that to someone else. Also, I’ve recently been promoted and I’m now her immediate superior. She’s a shit employee: lazy, rude to customers and last week I had to call her on a really basic mistake. Despite these complications, I want to make a real move on her. But how do I get around these issues?

Frustrated In Sydney

I’m having a hard time reconciling “everything I want in a partner” with “willing to cheat on her boyfriend.” A previous girlfriend cheated on you and that was a traumatizing experience. Do you really want to be with another woman who’s capable of cheating on her boyfriend?

Also: My naturally suspicious nature has me wondering if she didn’t see your promotion coming – the one that made you her immediate supervisor – and the flirting always was and still is an insurance policy that protects her from being fired. Right now, you’re not going to fire her because you want to fuck her, and once you’ve fucked her, you won’t be able to fire her because she’ll be able to accuse you of sexual harassment. See how that works?

My advice: Go to your boss and tell him that a little innocent coequal-coworker-to-coequal-coworker flirtation has been queered by your promotion, and it would be a sensitive situation even if the other employee was a good worker. But she’s a shit worker, and if she doesn’t shape up, someone is going to have to fire her.

And that someone can’t be you.

Ask your boss to place this girl under someone else, and after this girl’s new immediate supervisor fires her, you’ll quickly find out if she was ever really interested in being “placed” under you at all.

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