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Savage Love

I'm in a bad place. I have been in a monogamous marriage for 19 years

It is, of course, perfectly normal for people who’ve made monogamous commitments towant to have outside sexual relationships. It’s perfectly normal to daydream about fucking other people, to masturbate to thoughts of fucking other people, to check out other people who you would be fucking if 1) you weren’t in a monogamous relationship, and 2) they wanted to fuck you. And it’s perfectly ridiculous the way people make themselves miserable scrutinizing their partners for evidence that they want to fuck other people. (Jealous types, please note: Your partner sometimes thinks about fucking other people,just like you sometimes think about fucking other people. Going ballistic over a little discreet and considerate porn use or meaningless flirting is an idiotic waste of your time, it’s unfair to your partner and I consider it grounds for DTMFA’ing your ass.)

That said, LAH, it isperfectly obnoxious to go ahead and fuck other people in violation of a monogamous commitment unless you have grounds. And while it doesn’t sound like your husband has grounds, it certainly sounds like he’s fucking other people. I suspect that your husband is fucking someone you know – a coworker, a neighbor, a friend, a relative (shudder) – and, realizing that it’s only a matter of time before you find out, he’s bullying you into retroactively giving him permission to fuck other people and unfairly dragging me into it.

In your shoes, LAH, I’d be thinking about DTMFA. Not because of the cheating – monogamy isn’t important to me – but because of the lying and the bullying.

I grew up masturbating in the digital age. So in any given week, I get off on “Wincest,” hypnosis porn and erotic literature involving cat people. I’m also a young husband who’s gone a few years past your recommended date for laying down his kink cards. I’ve been deliberating whether to out myself to my wife, but there’s a rub: The last time she found out I had masturbated to someone other than her, she hit me. I cried and swore I would never look at porn again. Of course I just became more careful about hiding it.

Is there a limit on the necessitated disclosure of my wet dreams? I don’t have to tell her the one where I’m having sex with her best friend while she, having been turned into a dog, looks on stupidly, right? Can I settle for “I masturbate to women who aren’t you”?

Wife Abusive, Not Kinky

Fuck full disclosure, WANK. Your wife can’t deal with you masturbating about othersand she hits you? DTMFA.

I’m a 50-year-old married man with adult children. My wife and I live under the same roof but sleep in separate bedrooms. We have become roommates. Perhaps we will stay together, or perhaps we’ll divorce once the housing market improves and we have a slightly bigger pie to cut in half. But we hardly talk and never have sex. Where does a man in my situation find women to have sex with and spend time with? I don’t mean an escort or a hooker. It’s not all about the sex act for me. I tried some websites like ashleymadison.com and sugardaddy.com with no luck. Do you think there are women out there who are single or divorced and would enjoy being treated like a queen by a healthy, respectful, decent-looking man who is technically married?

Please Help Me

I know there are women out there who would be up for what you have to offer, PHM, because I get letters from them all the time. Some of these women are in the same boat you are – married in name only and looking for some companionship and intimacy. If you didn’t find one during your first Internet search, my advice is to keep looking.

And Mr. and Mrs. LAH? PHM’s situation is a good example of a circumstance under which cheating is not only permissible,it’s not even cheating. He may be married, technicallyand legally, but the sexual dimension of his marriage is over. He is in no way betraying his wife, or putting her at risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection, when he seeks outside sexual relationships.

Can you see the difference between what you’re doing, Mr. LAH, and what PHM is doing?

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