I'm in a bad place. I have been in a monogamous marriage for 19 years
Published: September 1, 2011
I’m in a bad place. I have been in a monogamous marriage for 19 years and have two kids. At least I think we’re still monogamous. My husband is an avid reader of your column and loves to bring up the idea that it is perfectly normal to have outside sexual relationships with other people as long as you stay committed to your spouse.
Here’s the thing: We started our marriage saying that we would always be truthful and faithful to each other. He has changed and I haven’t. I’m GGG, he probably gets more blowjobs than most married men and I love having sex with him. He is far less likely to initiate sex than I am (which makes me think he is spending time with someone else). If one partner decides that they need outside activity, regardless of how much sex they get at home, is it OK to go ahead and do that without informing the partner who they had previously made a monogamous commitment to? He thinks if my needs are being met, then I have nothing to complain about. My main need is for honesty, and it doesn’t feel like that need is being met.
When I ask him if he is having affairs, he gets angry and accuses me of being insecure and immature. (I would like to know if I’m at risk of getting a sexually transmitted infection.) He says you agree with him that it is OK to lie if the other person has their needs met and doesn’t find out. I am at my wit’s end and am deeply unhappy and think about leaving him, but I don’t want to end a relationship that works in so many other ways.
Lonely At Home
Before I can answer your question, LAH, give me a second to spit out all the words your husband has stuffed into my mouth.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhcckk – p’toooo.
Okay, LAH, here’s a little something I recently wrote that sums up my position on outside sexual relationships: “Cheating is permissible when it amounts to the least worst option, i.e., it is allowed for someone who has made a monogamous commitment and isn’t getting any at home (sick or disabled spouse, or withholding-without-cause spouse)and divorce isn’t an option (sick or disabled spouse, or withholding-without-cause-spouse-who-can’t-be-divorced-for-some-karma-imperiling-reason-or-other)and the sex on the side makes it possible for the cheater to stay married and stay sane. (An exception can be made for a married person with a kink that his or her spouse can’t/won’t accommodate, so long as the kink can be taken care of safely and discreetly.)”
As you are not sick, disabled or withholding without cause, and as your husband doesn’t have a kink that he’s outsourcing to spare you, please tell your husband on my behalf that I think he’s a cheating piece of shit, a word-stuffing douchebag and an emotionally abusive asshole. Mr. LAH may read my column avidly, but his behavior and lame rationalizations indicate that he’s also reading it selectively. If your husband walked into my office, LAH, I would be tempted to slap him with my laptop.
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