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COLUMN

Savage Love

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Hey, everybody: two things …

First: Last week, the GOP officially “denounced” me. Because the nation is at peace, Americans are going back to work, and the climate situation is completely under control – so, hey, why not go after the gay dude who writes that smutty sex column and gives Rick Santorum fits?

Second: Last week, a Savage Love reader denounced me for failing to devote any recent column inches to my readers’ titillating anecdotes. As I hate disappointing a reader, I invited folks to send in their dirty/sexy vacation stories. Here’s the best of the bunch.

I was 15 and on vacation in Cape Cod. Beaches never did anything for me, so I excused myself to go back to the hotel. On my way, I ran into another teenager, a girl. I struck up a conversation and was surprised to hear her answer in a British accent. I invited her to my hotel room to get high. I make my move, which she goes along with. We’re both naked when I get an awful idea that would make any sane and sober girl run screaming for the hills. Being young and ripped, I vocalize it without considering the outcome: “What if you pretend to be Hermione Granger?” This was about the time of the fourth movie release, and I had a big crush on Emma Watson. As soon as the words left my lips, I knew that I wasn’t getting laid that day. But I got laid that day.

The Wander Years

Seven years ago, we went to a wedding. Upon arrival, my girlfriend and I found ourselves in the quaintest, daintiest, lace-doiliest B&B we’d ever seen. The wedding was a wonderful affair, and by the time we returned to the B&B, we were drunk, happy and horny. If I read Savage Love back then, I would’ve known that we were breaking all the anal sex rules: It had been a first-date activity for us, we never took it slow and we never used lots of lube. It had always worked before. This time, however, was different. With her on all fours on the lace doily bedspread, I pulled back and noticed what could not be described as santorum (no lube, just fecal matter). We immediately headed for the shower with her exclaiming loudly how much she “hates when there’s shit!” We got clean. The sheets were a different story. I can’t remember whether we left them there or stole them, but I do remember the chilly farewell we received from the lady who ran the place. It occurred to me then just how nonsoundproof the walls of a 150-year-old clapboard house probably are.

That Comes From There?

I was 19. He was older and married. We were both in Utah for a folk-dancing event. He and his wife were nonmonogamous – in the open way, not in the (sometimes creepy) Mormon way. His wife wasn’t interested in playing with me, so he and I fucked in the back of his truck while she folk-danced at the folk festival I’d traveled to frickin’ Utah to attend. The next day, he drove me the hour back to their house in Salt Lake City so we could fuck some more.

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