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COLUMN

Savage Love

Three months ago, I met a woman who I’m really into physically, emotionally and mentally.

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Three months ago, I met a woman who I’m really into physically, emotionally and mentally. She’s someone I could see myself with. Problem is, when we started having sex, she insisted on a condom for birth control. I haven’t worn one in probably eight or nine years. (I’m 33 now.) I would be hard, then put on the condom and start having sex, and go limp because of the feel. This happened many times over the first couple months, leading to frustration on both our parts. She went on the pill a couple weeks ago to deal with the issue, but now I’ve got a mental issue going on and still go limp once we start having sex. As soon as I get inside her, it’s all I think about and things turn to shit. I feel like it’s not a physical problem, as it hasn’t happened before, so I’m not sure that drugs would even work. I don’t know what to do. It’s at the point of ruining this relationship.

Futile Limp-Ass Cock Is Dreadful

Before I get to your question, FLACID, I wanna pull rank – it’s my column, people – and briefly mention the staggeringly amazing thing that happened two weekends ago while I was in New York: the 8 p.m. performance ofThe Book of Mormon at the Eugene O’Neill Theater on the Saturday of Pride weekend. I didn’t think it was possible, but Trey Parker, Robert Lopez and Matt Stone’s brilliant new musical about well-intentioned Mormons on a mission exceeds the hype. It’s the funniest, dirtiest, smartest thing that this showqueen has ever seen on Broadway.

Yeah, yeah, something else happened in New York while I was in town: A bill legalizing same-sex marriage was approved by the state legislature, and signed by Gov. Andrew Cuomo, the night before we sawThe Book of Mormon. And, hey, being in New York for the marriage-equality victory was nice. It was great. ButThe Book of Mormon – holy shit!

OK, FLACID, if your dick goes limp once you put it inside her, stop putting it inside her. Just for now. Have oral sex, masturbate together, have lots of imaginative, nonpenetrative sex, all the while paying careful attention to her vulva, clit, orgasms, etc. A few dozen successful, low-stress sexual encounters with your girlfriend should help break the association your dick has made with her and failure. Good luck.

Yay, we won gay marriage in NewYork. I’m so happy, I could cry. But not tears of joy. Here’s the deal: I support gay marriage. I’m a freakin’ lesbian. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We live together. We’re the proud parents of the two cutest dogs ever. We suffer through each other’s families and we’re treated as a married couple for all intents and purposes by everyone in our lives. I’ve made passionate speeches to friends and family members about the importance of gay marriage. So in 30 days, we can get married in New York. Everyone will expect us to get married. But I don’t want to. I’m happy in my relationship, I have no plans to leave, but I don’t want to be married. I think part of the strength of our relationship comes from being together because we want to in the moment, not because we promised to in a moment that has long passed. How do I tell my partner and everyone else that I love her with all my heart but don’t want to marry her? Or anyone else, ever?

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