In response to a wannabe fister who hadn't told his girlfriend about his kink
Published: June 30, 2011
Freaked By Bloody Sex
"Worrisome cervical damage, including cervical rupture during sexual intercourse between two healthy adults, is extremely unlikely," said Nassim Assefi, an internist specializing in women's health – as well as a writer, activist and humanitarian aid worker. (Learn more about her superhuman kickassery at nassimassefi.com.) "Some caveats: This assumes no piercings of the penis (no spiky jewelry hitting the cervix), and this does not include rape of young girls, large-animal penis penetration of women and use of foreign bodies (dildos and other objects much larger than human penises)."
Assefi adds that it's not uncommon to have a little cervical bleeding after vigorous vaginal intercourse, and I'll add that alittle bleeding – on occasion (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries) – can be normal after anal, too.
"However, bleeding – especially heavy bleeding like a period – may be a sign of a cervix made fragile by STIs, benign growths (polyps), precancerous conditions or cancer, not to mention bleeding disorders. It's worth getting a pelvic exam and talking to a health provider about the bleeding if you're worried or the bleeding is heavy."
Assefi sums it up: "Bonk the cervix if you and your partner get off on it. Just make sure you're bonking ahealthy cervix."
I'm a 28-year-old gay man, living with my partner for two years. I've always been open about wanting to be tied up, spanked, maybe trussed up in leather bondage gear. He's always been open about his reluctance to indulge me, saying he needs time to get used to it. I'm inclined to believe him, because it took him quite a while to get to the point of just being willing to strap me to the bed and jerk me. I'd like to explore some other aspects of my fetishes. He says we will but thinking about me in kinky gear makes him anxious.
We had a bit of an argument about this, and I've agreed to drop the subject of my kinks while we're on vacation. He's worth waiting for: We click emotionally, he's sexy, I love his smell, we enjoy spending time together, I love the cuddles, we love each other madly and the vanilla sex we have is great. So if he never got past this at all, it might not be a deal breaker, but I'm hoping you have some ideas about how to make it more fun and less stressful or off-putting for him.
Boyfriend Isn't Necessarily Delivering My Erotics
There's one way you could make your kinks less stressful for your boyfriend: outsource 'em.
Unlike straight married men who want to be tied up and spanked, you wouldn't have to pay (or travel) for it. The supply-and-demand problem that complicates the lives of so many kinky straight men – there are too many kinky men out there chasing too few kinky women – isn't an issue for kinky gay men. Kinky gay men with vanilla partners have the option of jumping on Recon.com or other kink sites and finding a few bondage buddies, i.e., guys they get together with for free sex-free bondage sessions.
If your boyfriend doesn't want to sign off on that, and you're willing to hang in there, you should. A vanilla guy who's strapping you to the bed at two years could be helping you pick out hardcore bondage gear for your wedding registry at four. It sounds like this relationship has a lot going for it, BINDME, so you might want to take his word for it when he says that he'll get there for you.
It certainly won't hurt to give the subject a rest over your vacation, particularly if you've been plaguing him about it recently. But let him know, post-vacation, that while you're willing to be patient (youare being patient), you're ultimately going to explore your kinks with him – your preferred option – or you're going to need his permission to explore your kinks without him. But you're not going tonot explore your kinks.
> Email Dan Savage