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COLUMN

Savage Love

I'm a single 24-year-old gay

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Are you pathetic? No. You're in a relationship that's not living up to your expectations, and it's making you unhappy. You can either adjust your expectations and stay with this guy and try to appreciate the things he brings into your life, or you can refuse to adjust your expectations and 1) be miserable in this relationship, or 2) leave this guy and get out there and find someone else or die trying.

I'm a 22-year-old male with
a vaginal fisting fetish. I have yet to tell my girlfriend of three years about this. First, although we're in love, no relationship is 100 percent guaranteed, and fulfilling this particular kink would result in drastic and permanent physical changes that could ruin her for anyone else if we don't make it. Second, I'm not sure how to ask. I can't just say, "Hey, hon? Mind if I jam my arm in there?" Third, even if she were for it, I don't know where to start!

Fetishist In Serious Turmoil

First, at three years, all your kink cards should be lying faceup on the table. She's not obligated to get into fisting to please you, so you're not going to "ruin her" just by broaching the subject.

Second, you say something like "I think vaginal fisting is hot and I'm curious what you, the vagina-haver in this relationship, thinks about it."

Third, wannabe vag-fisters should start by reading Deborah Addington's A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting. ("If fisting ruined one for other partners, I'd have been fucked outta luck a long time ago," Addington said when I shared your email with her. She recommends plenty of lube and lots of Kegels, if your girlfriend goes for it. "The only ‘drastic and permanent' changes that occur are the changes of mind and body that come when one realizes how much pleasure one can have," she says. "That's life-altering. The stretched-out black-hole-of-doom is a myth. I'm 46 and can still walk up a flight of stairs without dropping the Ben Wa balls – and that after plenty of fisting, with more than one partner.")

Speaking of gaping orifices: Rick Santorum told CNN's Don Lemon that he has gay friends and he loves his gay friends and they love him back. The openly gay Lemon, oddly, did not demand names and contact information for these gay friends.

I'd like to hear directly from the gays who love Santorum despite Santorum's belief that gay people are no better than dog fuckers and child rapists, his promise to repeal the Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Act, his desire to write anti-gay bigotry into the U.S. Constitution, his opposition to gay adoption and his belief that consensual gay sex should be a felony. If Santorum's gay friends love Santorum as much as 
Santorum loves his gay friends, I'm sure they would be happy to speak to the media about their love of Santorum.

Santorum told Lemon that his imaginary gay friends prove that he's no homophobe. But if you believe that gays and lesbians are a threat to the family and a danger to the country, then you should be openly and proudly homophobic. So either Santorum is lying when he says we're a threat to the family, a danger to the country, etc., or he's lying when he says he has gay friends.

Which is it, Rick?

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