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Savage Love

I am a bi woman happily married to a straight man, and we both "participate" in hot sexy times with other women during threesomes.

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I am a bi woman happily married toa straight man, and we both “participate” in hot sexy times with other women during threesomes. It’s hard to find hot 30ish bi girls where we live, but the encounters we’ve had were for the most part excellent. Everything was great until three weeks ago, when we had a miscarriage. We’d been trying for almost two years, so the recovery is not just physical but emotional for both of us.

We were only recently given the go-ahead to have sex again. We have a well-rounded sex life – kink, BDSM, toys – and both of us have said that, just for right now, we’re not looking for anything more than just us.

I went to the computer this morning to find that my husband had left his email open. His inbox was filled with replies to recent queries sent to girls looking for couples to hook up with. His emails to these girls ask what gets them hot and when/where we can all hook up, and they state that his wife is really excited about f-ing her. I’m probably overreacting due to all the extra hormones, but he’s lying to them, and I’m not sure what he’s doing to me.

Confused & Hormonal

I’m so sorry for your loss, C&H. A miscarriage when you’re trying to conceive is an utterly heartbreaking experience. My heart goes out to you – both of you.

Two things in your letter leaped out at me: “It’s hard to find hot 30ish bi girls where we live” and “Both of us have said that, just for right now, we’re not looking for anything more than just us.” And one thing that isn’t in your letter leaped out at me: You found no evidence that your husband was planning to meet up with any of these girls alone. He isn’t cheating and wasn’t planning to. He was making very tentative, vague plans for the three of you to get together at some point in the future. And that isn’t gonna happen – that can’t happen – until you’re ready, right?

So here’s what your husband is guilty of: He is looking forward – too soon and too eagerly – to the time when you’re ready to start having threesomes again. And it looks like he was trying to dig up one of those “hard to find” hot 30ish bi girls so that when you were ready for “more than just us,” a hot 30ish bi girl would be all lined up.

Was that a shitty thing for him to do? Perhaps. But again, C&H, all you discovered was evidence that your husband was making plans for sexy times at some indefinite point in the future. And are you sure he understands that just looking is out-of-bounds? Perhaps when you said, “We’re not looking for anyone else right now,” he heard, “We’re not sleeping with anyone else right now.”

As upsetting as it was to find those emails, I think your husband deserves some credit for being … considerate. Your miscarriage was no doubt upsetting for him, too, C&H, but it didn’t impact his sexual interests or needs the way it impacted yours. But he didn’t push the issue. He didn’t put any pressure on you – he didn’t even bring the subject up. All he did was put some feelers out and do a little online flirting and planning. Half the fun is to plan the plan, as Mrs. Lovett once said, so he probably enjoyed those email exchanges. But he didn’t tell you about them because there was no way to talk about them without making you feel pressured.

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