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COLUMN

Savage Love

I suppose you are going to call me an asshole once you have finished reading my letter, but I hope you have some advice for me regardless.

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I suppose you are going to call me an asshole once you have finished reading my letter, but I hope you have some advice for me regardless.

I am a 45-year-old heterosexual male. My last relationship lasted nearly seven years. I am currently single. I am discouraged. One of the reasons for my discouragement: I have to get too far into a relationship before I can determine if it will work out with any particular woman. An awful lot of emotion, time and effort is required to get that first look into a woman's panties. And this is where my problem lies. A woman can have the sweetest personality, she can be pretty and hardworking, but if her pussy isn't bald and her "little man in the boat" doesn't fit comfortably in my mouth, I am NOT turned on. I require a shaved pussy and a big clit.

I have asked women with whom I've become close to go bald. If the answer is no, there is no need to return. I respect a woman's control over her own body, of course, but I like a big clit. She may or may not be bald, but if the clit isn't big enough, there's no sense in returning. I have heard women say that they were disappointed to find that a man's dick was too small or too large, or they didn't like that it curved to the left or right. Do I have a right to a similar preference? What do I do? Is there a way to ask about these issues before emotion, time and effort are invested?

Call Me Asshole

Knowing that she could be disqualified due to the size of her clit, which she can do nothing about, or the presence of pubic hair, which she can do something about (but might not want to), is information a woman might want before she invests a lot of emotion, time and effort in you. Or any emotion, time and effort. But there's literally no way to ask a woman to show you her clit or to verify either her "baldness" or willingness to go bald in advance of that crucial first date. Even women with six-inch clits who suffer from neck-down alopecia (credit: tinyurl.com/5vle95) are going to run screaming after hearing a request like that.

Don't get me wrong: It's a fine thing to have preferences, to be aware of them and to be able to articulate them. And most people would prefer to be with someone whose preferences roughly jibe with their attributes. But most of us would also like to think - even if it's not true - that our personalities are so winning that our partners would love us even if, say, our clits were tiny and our pubes towering.

So what do you do? Well, since being up-front about your very particular, deal-breaking preferences would result in you never seeing another pussy again in your life, I think you keep your mouth shut. You're just going to have to date and invest the time. And then if you discover once you get into her pants that her clit is too small or her pussy is too hairy, just make up a nice, polite, it's-not-you-it's-me lie. It wouldn't be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her when, in fact, there's something wrong with you.

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