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Like most thoughtful individuals with hearts that actually beat, we spent a good portion of the past couple of weeks under a pink pall of doom.

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Will we be graded on this?: UCF cancels class so students can get their tailgate on

Other folks not under the spell of logic were also in attendance. “I’m dressed up in a chicken suit because we’re not being taken seriously,” said a man in a snugly fitting cock hat who was not merely James M. Ray, but Charco the Chicken (Charco, which rhymes with Marco, as in Rubio. Get it?). Despite being far too old to get away with saying “it’s fuckin’ lame, dude” and “the suckitude is tremendous,” Charco brought up an interesting point: Snitker was told he wouldn’t be included in the debate because he hadn’t polled above 10 percent, but allegedly the polls refused to include him because he hadn’t gotten enough media attention. Unfortunately, Charco had no giant eggs on hand to hammer that metaphor home.

Snitker himself was a nice enough guy, but then again, a former door-to-door office supply salesman would have mastered that nice-guy act, right? God, look what Florida politics has done to us! 

Get the kid back over here! Listen, buddy: get far, far away from here, and don’t come back until November 3rd.

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