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COLUMN

Free Will Astrology

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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The sport of ferret legging is an endurance contest. Participants vie to determine who can last longest as a live ferret runs loose inside their pants. The current record is five hours and 26 minutes, held by a retired British miner. But I predict that a Virgo will soon break that mark. Could it be you? APRIL FOOL! I misled you. I don’t really think you should put a ferret in your pants, not even to win a contest. It is possible, however, that there will soon be a pleasurable commotion happening in the area below your waist. And I suspect that you will handle it pretty well.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Risk being a crazed fool for love. Get as wild and extreme as you’ve ever been if it helps you rustle up the closeness you’re hungry for. Get down on your knees and beg, or climb a tree with a megaphone and profess your passion. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a little. It’s true that now is an excellent time to be aggressive about going after the intimate connection you want. But I suggest you accomplish that by being ingenious and imaginative rather than crazy and extreme.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) British comedy team Monty Python did a sketch in which a policeman apprehends a criminal. The bad guy says, “Yes, I did it, but society is to blame.” And the cop says, “Right! We’ll arrest them instead.” You should adopt this attitude. Blame everyone else but yourself for your problems and flaws. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, the truth is the opposite of what I said. It’s time to take more responsibility for your actions. Bravely accept the consequences of what you’ve done – with your sense of humor fully engaged and a lot of compassion for yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Banzai skydiving is a step beyond ordinary skydiving. To do it, you hurl your folded-up parachute out of the airplane, wait a while, and then leap into mid-air yourself. If all goes well, you free-fall in the direction of your parachute and catch up to it. Once you grab it, you strap it on and open the chute, ideally before you hit the earth. This is the kind of beyond-ballsy activity that would be perfect for you right now. APRIL FOOL! In truth, I don’t recommend banzai skydiving now or ever. Plain old skydiving is fine, though. The same principle applies in relation to any adventurousness you’re considering: Push yourself, yes, but not to an absurd degree.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Should you relocate to Kazakhstan and grow sunflowers? Is it time to think about getting a job in Uruguay and living there for the next 10 years? Can you see yourself building your dream home in Morocco on a bluff overlooking the Atlantic Ocean? I suggest you spend some quality time thinking way, way outside the box about where you belong on this earth. APRIL FOOL! I went a bit overboard in my recommendations. It is true that you should brainstorm about the kind of home you want to create and enjoy in the future. But that probably means revising and refining your current situation rather than leaving it all behind and starting over.

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