What's Hot
MOST READ
What's Going On

Calendar

Search thousands of events in our database.

Restaurants

Search hundreds of restaurants in our database.

Nightlife

Search hundreds of clubs in our database.

Orlando Daily Deals powered by ReferLocal

OW on Twitter
OW on Facebook
Print Email

COLUMN

Free Will Astrology

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) In his documentary film Prohibition, Ken Burns reports on the extreme popularity of alcohol in 19th-century America. He says that the typical person over 15 years of age drank 88 bottles of whiskey a year. In light of the current astrological omens, I suggest you increase your intake to that level and even beyond. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It's not literal alcoholic spirits you should be ingesting in more abundance, but rather big ideas that open your mind, inspirational sights and sounds that dissolve your inhibitions, and intriguing people who expand your worldview.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A woman in Euclid, Ohio, claims her house is haunted by randy ghosts. “They have sex in my living room,” Dianne Carlisle told a TV news reporter. “You can see the lady's high-heeled shoes.” I suspect you may soon be dealing with a similar problem, Virgo. So consider the possibility of hiring an X-rated exorcist. APRIL FOOL! The naked truth is that you will not be visited by spooks of any kind, let alone horny ones. However, you would be smart to purify and neutralize old karma that might still be haunting your love life or your sex life. Consider performing a do-it-yourself exorcism of your own memories.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) In Karley Sciortino's NSFW blog Slutever.com, she announces that “this blog is intended to trick strangers into thinking my life is more exciting than it actually is.” I highly recommend you adopt that approach. Do whatever it takes – lying, deceiving, exaggerating, bragging – to fool everyone into believing that you are a fascinating character who is in the midst of marvelous, high-drama adventures. APRIL FOOL! I wasn't totally sincere about what I just said. The truth is, your life is likely to be a rousing adventure in the coming days. There'll be no need to pretend it is, and therefore no need to cajole or trick others into thinking it is.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem,” said author William Gibson, “first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a-holes.” This is a good time to check in with yourself, and see if Gibson's advice applies to you. Lately, the jackass quotient seems to have been rising in your vicinity. APRIL FOOL! I was half-joking. It's true that you should focus aggressively on reducing the influence of jerks in your life. At the same time, you should also ask yourself rather pointedly how you could reduce your problems by changing something about yourself.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Do not under any circumstances put on a frog costume, go to a shopping mall and ride around on a unicycle while reciting erotic poetry in German through a megaphone. APRIL FOOL! I lied. That wouldn't be such a terrible use of your time. The astrological omens suggest that you will be visited by rather unusual creative surges that may border on being wacky. Personally, though, I would prefer it if you channeled your effervescent fertility in more highly constructive directions, like dreaming up new approaches to love that will have a very practical impact on your romantic life.

We welcome user discussion on our site, under the following guidelines:

To comment you must first create a profile and sign-in with a verified DISQUS account or social network ID. Sign up here.

Comments in violation of the rules will be denied, and repeat violators will be banned. Please help police the community by flagging offensive comments for our moderators to review. By posting a comment, you agree to our full terms and conditions. Click here to read terms and conditions.
comments powered by Disqus