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COLUMN

Free Will Astrology

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) “People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home,” wrote philosopher Dagobert D. Runes. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to refute that assertion. In other words, I’m inviting you to travel to all of your usual haunts and treat everything that happens there with the attitude of a first-time visitor. Just assume that the familiar people and places in your life have stimulating gifts to give and lessons to impart. Remember, though, they can’t do that to the fullest unless you expect them to.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The human brain is composed of 30 percent protein and 70 percent fat. So it wouldn’t be incorrect to refer to you as a fathead. In order to nourish your brain cells, you’ve got to eat foods that provide two essential fatty acids your body doesn’t manufacture: omega-3 ALA and omega-6 LA. Since you’re now in a “brain-building” phase of your astrological cycle, I urge you to get more than your minimum requirements of these basics. If I may be permitted to resurrect a now-out-of-fashion slang term, I suggest that you also expose yourself to a lot of extraordinarily phat sources of intellectual stimulation.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The mawashi is the loincloth that Japanese sumo wrestlers wear while competing. It’s rare for the garment to come off, even in the heat of a match, but it did happen once in 2000, when a wrestler named Asanokiri suddenly found himself standing naked during his bout with Chiyohakuho. In conformity with sumo’s rules, Asanokiri was immediately disqualified. I don’t think you’re at risk for being rendered literally unclothed in the heat of a showdown or a plot twist. But I do advise you to take extra precautions to prevent a metaphorical version of that occurrence. Get your act very together, and keep it very together.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) “Dear Mr. Brezsny: My name is Sonny McGee and I own a website that caters to people who are addicted to playing poker. I’m a big fan of your horoscopes, and I’m wondering if you would like to advertise your work to our audience. Gamblers love astrology! Get in touch. - Sagittarian Wheeler Dealer.” Dear Wheeler Dealer: Thanks for your interest, but I’ll pass. I don’t like to encourage anyone to focus their gambling urges on trivial matters like card games, sports events and lotteries. I prefer they direct that mojo to high-minded stuff like daring themselves to excel, pursuing exciting and idealistic adventures, and doing brave things to help save the world. By the way, it’s prime time for you Sagittarians to ratchet up your commitment to those kinds of gambles.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I hope you’re not so perversely attached to your demons that you’re inclined to keep providing them with a comfortable home. Why? Because the coming weeks will be an excellent time for you to permanently banish them from the premises. Yes, I know it may seem lonely at first without their nagging, disruptive voices chattering away in your head. But I really do encourage you to bid them adieu. By the way, as you plan your exorcism, you might want to include a humorous touch or two. They’re allergic to satire and mockery, you know.

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