Twilight: Breaking Dawn — Part 2

But that's the last installment. Onward and downward! Without a romantic triangle or dangerous birth to fuel the melodrama, Breaking Dawn — Part 2 spins its wheels gathering together a United Nations ... or rather a Benetton ad of vampires who will help defend Bella's quickly maturing offspring from the power-hungry Volturi clan, who have strict laws about baby bloodsuckers. It's an eyeliner-and-bad-special-effects face off, with the Cullen family and their runway model pals voguing against Aro (a joyously unhinged Michael Sheen) and his heavily robed, superpowered minions (most notably a mute Dakota Fanning). Throw some poorly rendered CGI werewolves into the mix as well and mayhem comes really, really close to ensuing. But doesn't. Then does. Then doesn't again.

Bella's droning voice-over gives way to a soft focus montage of I'm OK-you're OK images, with the final shot settling on Edward and his love in a field of wild flowers. It's only then that you realize director Bill Condon and his effects wizards forgot to make the young vampires sparkle in the sunlight — for the entire movie. Or maybe they didn't. Maybe Meyer randomly changed the rules again. Who knows? At this point in the series you're either all-in or simply don't care. If you do happen to be part of the small demographic that hasn't decided whether to see the movie (as confounding a notion as those who remained undecided on Election Day) then take this simple suggestion: Don't. There are better ways to spend your evening. Perhaps there's some laundry to be done?

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