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On The Rocks

Call me, maybe

Photo: , License: N/A


Have you ever noticed how many people talk on their cell phones in the club?

I'm not talking about the people who spend all night texting, Instagramming or checking the Twitter. I'm referring to the people who try to have a real conversation in a crowded, loud bar. I see it all the time. Some people scout out the quietest corner to talk, and others just stand right in front of the bar as they yell into the phone. 

It seems like there are three types of phone calls people have at the club.

1. The "I'm at Eye Spy" phone call.
Someone approaches the bar on their phone and asks, "What bar is this?" 
The music is blaring, so I get close and yell, "Eye Spy." 
"Huh?" they ask. 
"Eye Spy," I say again, first pointing toward my face, then rolling my fists into binoculars over my eyes. 
"Dude, I'm at Eye Spy," they tell the person on the other end of the line.
Pause. 
"I'm at Eye Spy," they say louder. "Meet me here." 
Pause.  
Now screaming, "I'M AT EYE SPY! Not I-Bar, EYE SPY!" 
Pause.  
Yelling as loud as they possibly can, "EYE SPY! E-Y-E S-P-Y!  
Pause. 
You might want to text him. It's a little loud in here.
 

2. The "business" call 
I know Bluetooth devices are for people on the go, and if you're wearing one, you must be very busy. But your life must be moving pretty damn fast if you have to conference call at the club. I've seen it many times. Someone dances their way in, chatting to the mystery friend who isn't by their side. They pace around for a few minutes before approaching the bar to order a beer. They don't say what they want. Instead, they mouth their order while giving the international sign for, "I'm on the phone." Ya know, the cowabunga hand motion held to the side of the face. This happens to also be the international sign for "call me" (maybe?). You can imagine how confusing this becomes when the music is blaring and you're surrounded by a gaggle of woo-woo girls.  
For a few months I had a regular who was notorious for 10:30 p.m. conference calls at my bar. Bluetooth activated, each call would last anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half. To make it more official, he always paid with a corporate card and never had more than one beer. Just one, to help him sign a new artist. I guess when you're in the music business you can only do business around the music.  
 

3. The "mom" call  
This happens every few weeks. You go to deliver a sex on the beach, and the girl who ordered it is on the phone. 
"No, mom. Can't talk now. I'm at the bar," she says.  
"No, I'm not drunk. I've only had one drink," she says, flashing you one of those mouth-to-the-side, "Think my mom bought that?" faces.  
Hmm. Nope.
Raise your hand if your mom has ever called you while you were at a bar. (My hand is raised). Now keep your hand up if you've answered it. (Hand down.) I've never answered my mother's call while out drinking, but as a bartender, I've answered a few "mom calls" on behalf of my customers.  
"It's my mom! Talk to her. She'll love you," they say handing me the phone.  
What do you say to a stranger's mom? "Um, hi. This is your daughter's bartender. I'm just busy making her a ton of shots. Is she drunk? No, not drunk yet, but have faith. The night is still young."
feedback@orlandoweekly.com

Lindsay Gigler is a bartender and blogger. You can check out her blog, Cocktails From the Darkside at cocktailsfromthedarkside.com

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