Columns

Council Watch

Council Watch : So a Catholic priest walks into a municipal meeting and has nothing to say other than some generalization about the city council being “our rock.” What does he do? He reads from the agenda aloud: Thank you, Lord, for “business and financial services, for economic development, for parks and recreation, for fire, for Orlando venues, for public works,” etc. Let’s eat! Such was the performance of Father Brian Sheridan of the Good Shepherd Catholic Church at the religious outset of this Mond ... [MORE]

by Billy Manes | 11/4/2009

Police Beat

Police Beat : Oct. 23 (2009-503761) 7:26 a.m.: Officer Williams has some issues with verb tense: “On the above listed date and time, unknown suspect(s) gain entry into the business by knocking a hole in the north side wall of the business. The suspect(s) first gain entry through an adjacent vacant business utilizing a unlocked rear door. Once inside the business, suspect(s) kicked in the office door; however, there appears to be nothing missing from the business at the time of this report.” (200 ... [MORE]

by Jeffrey C. Billman | 11/4/2009

Happytown

column: While it might have been more hilarious had it included a tiny black tuft of lip hair, last week’s half-assed Hitler-as-Charlie-Crist YouTube parody did succeed in drawing some national attention to the desperation of the Sunshine State’s Republican schism in the race for the U.S. Senate. Former state House speaker Marco “Polo!” Rubio has been gaining traction out on the far right, forcing mild-mannered Crist out of the moderate tanning spotlight and back into the conservative close ... [MORE]

by Billy Manes and Bob Whitby | 11/4/2009

Savage Love

column: I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who is 23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s happy to be with a girl who likes girls. The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing to fuck around not only with me but also with my boyfriend is a daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women since he is good eye candy. But I ge ... [MORE]

by Dan Savage | 11/4/2009

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology : ARIES (March 21-April 19) There was a time when wetlands were considered dismal and unproductive. At best they were thought to be a waste of space, at worst stinky breeding grounds for insect pests. For over 200 years, marshes, bogs and swamps were filled with dirt and transformed into places suitable for farms, houses and recreational areas. But all that has changed in the last 30 years. Science has shown how crucial wetlands are. They clean toxins from water, help control floods and s ... [MORE]

by Rob Brezsny | 11/4/2009

Blister

column: There’s a special place in the dog-eared American socioeconomic TripTik where men are men and women are whores or barrels to be leapt by motorcycles or brittle pink spittoons blocking stumbling paths in virility saloons. Oily scents of burnt skin and leather penetrate cigar-smoke formations bending light around the dead whistles of a Morricone theme. Wayward beard strands bristle against bottle lips in the dry-dry-dry shuffle of a piercing blue-eyed stare into a piercing blue-eyed ... [MORE]

by Billy Manes | 11/4/2009

Blister

column: Sometimes you get caught in a moment, whether it’s yours to embody or not. The lights dim to a dull yellow, a glass clinks with another off in the distance, a rose petal dances in the smoke-filled air before lighting on the top of your rouged cheekbone, and suddenly you’re Bad Girl Donna Summer, dripping in lace and ambivalence as the night spreads its legs in front of you. A throbbing Moroder beat signals imminent predation of the 1979 kind, the warmth of polyester-packed body wei ... [MORE]

by Billy Manes | 10/28/2009

Savage Love

column: I’m a 67-year-old woman, almost 68, who has been married four times – once widowed, divorced three times. I recently met someone online: 48, a wealthy, educated man with two boys, 12 and 14. He lives the cuckoldt lifestyle and is looking for a woman to marry who would participate and enjoy this with him. He says he “craves and needs” this lifestyle, and from what he’s said so far, the boys have been trained from an early age to also live this lifestyle. I think I could be quite ha ... [MORE]

by Dan Savage | 10/28/2009

Free Will Astrology

Free Will Astrology : ARIES (March 21-April 19) You may be as flooded with briny emotion as a Pisces on a meandering binge. You might be as embedded in a labyrinth of your own creation as the Geminis who verge on being too clever for their own good. You may be as cagey a listener as a Scorpio who’s searching for a hidden vulnerability in an ally. In other words, Aries, you’re not exactly yourself. But it’s one of those rare times when that’s a good thing. Halloween costume suggestion: the opposite of what yo ... [MORE]

by Rob Brezsny | 10/28/2009

Comments

Comments : Time to wean Michelle Gienow: Good idea, but we do better [“SOLE food,” Oct. 22]. No mammal should drink mammal milk after its mom weans the little one. Ms. Gienow has swallowed the dairy propaganda. Many humans are deathly allergic to cow milk, whether it costs $7 per gallon or half that. Go to healthscience.org and quit the overpriced meat and cheese. There are lots of us running loose that eat virtually zero meat, cheese or milk products, and we are very healthy and gen ... [MORE]

Police Beat

Police Beat : Oct. 2 (2009-468202) 7:47 a.m.: The week’s first criminal mastermind broke into a U-Haul center and stole a “high-speed buffer” and pads. Be on the lookout for suspiciously shiny whips. (2009-468360) 9:39 a.m.: You know what’s awesome about the guy who stole a radio from a 1994 Cadillac that was in the shop? Nothing. Nothing at all. (2009-468376) 9:52 a.m.: You know how all crimes happen in threes? Here’s part two: “Unknown suspects gained entry to [an auto sales dealership] at ... [MORE]

by Jeffrey C. Billman | 10/28/2009

Happytown

column: Last week we copped a feel on the Winter Park Police Department’s unhealthy obsession with the silicone bust of Club Harem (see “The booby trap,” Oct. 22). For eight months in 2008, undercover vice cop Carlos Calderon (aka “Luis Lopez”) frequented the Winter Park mammary emporium in search of drug dealings, which he allegedly found, albeit in small amounts. Of course, coke and weed weren’t the only vices peppering Calderon’s assumed identity of cornrows and tattoos. He made himself a ... [MORE]

by Billy Manes and Bob Whitby | 10/28/2009