I am asking you, I suppose, for some advice. I am still in love with my ex. I am prepared now to be the boyfriend that she wanted me to be. But how do I prove to her that I am no longer the apathetic, distant and repressed lover that she was with for three years? I find myself overwhelmed with regret. She saw me as someone who couldn't do the things she needed, when in reality I was just paralyzed by my insecurities.

Found Myself Lost

You're not asking me for some advice, FML. What you're doing is handing me a dog with a bloody, torn-up ass and saying, “Hey, Dan, I totally screwed the pooch. Unscrew it for me, wouldya?” Some days, half the mail is from remorseful pooch-screwers, and I do what I can to unscrew their pooches. That's part of my job. But not every pooch can be unscrewed, and your pooch looks eternally screwed to me.

It wasn't your gender issues or kinks or anxieties that screwed that pooch. You don't have to apologize for your gender issues. You were working through some serious shit. What you can be faulted for, FML, is your thoughtlessness, your inconsideration and your neglect. You were so wrapped up in your own drama that you could barely perceive, to say nothing of meet, your girlfriend's reasonable sexual and emotional needs.

We don't have to be perfectly healthy or issue-free before entering into a relationship, of course. If that were the standard, no one would ever be in a relationship. However, we do have to be in relatively good working order, and you were not. Your girlfriend wasn't looking for an issue-free guy; no such animal exists. But she wanted a guy who could have his issues and still make an effort to meet her needs. And your poor, neglected, taken-for-granted girlfriend stuck it out for three long years, hoping you might turn into that kind of guy-with-issues, before finally calling it quits.

And damn her timing, right? Because everything magically fell into place the moment she walked out.

So what can you do now? You can tell your ex that you've come to a couple of big realizations: You know yourself to be a straight man now and you can see that you were a terrible boyfriend then. You were so wrapped up in your own anxieties and kinks and insecurities that you couldn't meet her needs then but you can now. The only way you prove this to her, of course, is if she takes you back. Considering the price she paid when you were struggling – inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless, neglectful boyfriends are no fun, gender issues or no gender issues – she's likely to pass. Because life is basically one big issue after another, and she may have concluded that you're incapable of having an issue and being a decent boyfriend simultaneously.

If she doesn't take you back – if that pooch can't be unscrewed – resolve to learn from your mistakes, FML, and refrain from screwing the next pooch that comes your way.

I am a lesbian-identified bi woman whohas been with my ladyfriend (also a LIBW) for seven years. She recently brought up her desire to have a threesome. I've had a handful of group-sex experiences, and I know that they can be fun but they can also go very wrong. I am worried that she isn't prepared to see me have sex with a man, and I fear that once we are in the moment she won't be assertive enough to stop something that she may have agreed to beforehand but suddenly isn't comfortable with. What is the best way to test the waters?

Our next concern is who to invite into our bed. We would prefer it to be someone we wouldn't have to see again, so friends are out. However, I am concerned about just finding a random person on CL or Adult Friend Finder because, being in a lesbian relationship, we definitely have run across men who think we “just need the right penis.” Basically, I want a man who I know is friendly with the queer community and will respect our relationship and our boundaries. Where do we look for this?

Another Bi Woman

Established couples that want safety, respect and a measure of accountability from their very special guest sex stars should look first to flirty friends and friendly exes. But you two, like so many threesome-seeking couples, want the perfect person to materialize immediately before sex and disappear immediately after. That means finding and vetting a stranger. And online personal ads are the best way to accomplish that. State in your profile that you're looking for someone who 1) is queer-friendly, 2) respects your relationship and 3) doesn't think the “right” penis will turn you both straight.

Some guys will tell you whatever you want to hear, of course, which means you could wind up in bed with a man who doesn't believe any of those things. But he'll know to keep his mouth shut, and since you're not going to see him ever again, does it really matter what he thinks?

As for your fear that your girlfriend won't speak up in the moment: Address that with her, address it at length, and consider taking penis-in-either-of-your-vaginas sex off the menu for your first threesome.

I'm a 32-year-old bi gal into both sub and dom roles with men. I'm GGG and excited by trying out new-to-me stuff. I had never pondered sexless guy/guy ball busting before reading the letter from BSTD in your column last week. Now I don't know if I should thank or curse BSTD for giving ME a new kink! I think watching this would be so hot!

Bad Acronym Lass Loves Sex

I'm not one to toss that cruel “there's someone out there for everyone” bullshit around. Fact is, some people do wind up alone. But kinks usually aren't the reason. Whatever your kink might be, shy lil' kinksters, there are kinksters out there who either share it or will spark to it.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Taurus actor Daniel Day Lewis will star as American president Abraham Lincoln in a film to be released later this year. Hollywood insiders report that Lewis basically became Lincoln months before the film was shot and throughout the entire process. Physically, he was a dead ringer for the man he was pretending to be. Even when the cameras weren't rolling, he spoke in the cadences and accent of his character rather than in his own natural voice. It might be fun for you to try a similar experiment in the coming weeks. Fantasize in detail about the person you would ultimately like to become, and then imitate that future version of you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) The idea of a housewarming party comes from an old British tradition. People who were moving would carry away embers from the fireplace of the home they were leaving and bring them to the fireplace of the new home. I recommend that you borrow this idea and apply it to the transition you're making. As you migrate toward the future, bring along a symbolic spark of the vitality that has animated the situation you're transitioning out of.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) My friend Irene has a complicated system for handling her cats' food needs. The calico, Cleopatra, demands chicken for breakfast and beef stew at night, and all of it absolutely must be served in a pink bowl on the dining room table. Caligula insists on fish stew early and tuna later. He wants it on a black plate placed behind the love seat. Nefertiti refuses everything but gourmet turkey upon waking and beef liver for the evening repast. If it's not on the basement stairs, she won't touch it. I'm bringing your attention to this because I think you could draw inspiration from it. It's in your interests, at least temporarily, to keep your loved ones and allies happy with a coordinated exactitude that rivals Irene's.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) The moon's pale glow shimmers on your face as you run your fingers through your hair. In your imagination, 90 violins play with sublime fury, rising toward a climax, while the bittersweet yearning in your heart sends warm chills down your spine. You part your lips and open your eyes wide, searching for the words that could change everything. And then suddenly you remember you have to contact the plumber tomorrow, and find the right little white lie to appease you-know-who, and run out to the store to get that gadget you saw advertised. Cut! Cut! Let's do this scene again. Take five. It's possible, my dear, that your tendency to overdramatize is causing you to lose focus. Let's trim the 90 violins down to 10 and see if maybe that helps.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) “We all need a little more courage now and then,” poet Marvin Bell said. “That's what I need. If you have some to share, I want to know you.” I advise you to adopt his approach in the coming days. Proceed on the assumption that what you need most right now is to be braver and bolder. And consider the possibility that a good way to accomplish this goal is by hanging around people who are so intrepid and adventurous that their spirit will rub off on you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) In the Byrds' 1968 song “Fifth Dimension,” the singer makes a curious statement. He says that during a particularly lucid state, when he was simply relaxed and paying attention, he saw the great blunder his teachers had made. I encourage you to follow that lead. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, now would be an excellent time for you to thoroughly question the lessons you've absorbed from your important teachers – even the ones who taught you the best and helped you the most. You will earn a healthy jolt as you decide what to keep and what to discard from the gifts that beloved authorities have given you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) What are the most beautiful and evocative songs you know? What are the songs that activate your dormant wisdom and unleash waves of insight about your purpose here on earth and awaken surges of gratitude for the labyrinthine path you have traveled to become the person you are today? Whatever those tunes are, I urge you to gather them all into one playlist, and listen to them with full attention while at rest in a comfortable place where you feel perfectly safe. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you need a concentrated dose of the deepest, richest, most healing emotions you can tap into.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) Tourists rarely go to the South American nation of Guyana. That's mostly because much of it is virgin rain forest and there are few amenities for travelers. In part it's also due to the reputation-scarring event that occurred there in 1978, when cult-leader Reverend Jim Jones led a mass suicide of his devotees. Last year, after travel writer Jeff Greenwald announced his trip to Guyana, his friends responded with a predictable joke: “Don't drink the Kool-Aid!” – a reference to the beverage Jones spiked with cyanide before telling his followers to drink up. But Greenwald was glad he went. The lush, tangled magnificence of Guyana was tough to navigate but a blessing to the senses and a first-class adventure. Be like him. Consider engaging with a situation that offers challenging gifts. Overcome your biases about a potentially rewarding experience.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) “You have more freedom than you are using,” says artist Dan Attoe. Allow that taunt to get under your skin and rile you up in the coming days. Let it motivate you to lay claim to all the potential spaciousness and independence and leeway that is just lying around going to waste. According to my understanding of the astrological omens, you have a sacred duty to cultivate more slack as if your dreams depended on it. (They do!)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) If you've been tuning in to my horoscopes during the past months, you're aware that I have been encouraging you to refine and deepen the meaning of home. You know that I have been urging you to get really serious about identifying what kind of environment you need in order to thrive; I've been asking you to integrate yourself into a community that brings out the best in you; I've been nudging you to create a foundation that will make you strong and sturdy for a long time. Now it's time to finish up your intensive work on these projects. You've got about four more weeks before a new phase of your life's work will begin.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Is your BS-detector in good condition? I hope so, because it's about to get a workout. Rumors will be swirling and gossip will be flourishing, and you will need to be on high alert in order to distinguish the laughable delusions that have no redeeming value from the entertaining stories that have more than a few grains of truth. If you pass those tests, your reward will be handsome: You'll become a magnet for inside information, valuable secrets and unusual but useful clues that come from unexpected sources.

I've tried getting busted by girls, watching videos of girls kicking men in the balls, etc., but I never even get hard from it. Sometimes I can see a good-looking guy on the street and I'll get hard just thinking about his feet kicking my balls. In fact, while sitting here writing this question to you, I'm hard because you're a good-looking guy and I'd love to have you kick my balls.

In my current relationship, I've snuck out and met with guys I've found online to have my balls busted. It feels like I'm leading a double life, but I don't know what to do. I've thought of trying a relationship with a guy, but I don't know how that would work since I'm really not into having any kind of sex with a guy. Just ball busting. I've tried to subdue my urges to get my balls busted, but I can't. I seem to need to get it every couple of months, otherwise I get stir-crazy. I'm confused and really just don't know what to do about it. I was hoping that you might have some advice or insight to explain why my brain is so messed up about all this and what I can do.

Balls Smashed To Death

At the risk of my inbox filling with angry emails - a risk I run on a weekly basis - I'm gonna quote the late psychologist and sexologist John Money. He was wrong about a lot of things, from gender being socially constructed to “affectional pedophilia” being harmless, but Money was on to something when he wrote about paraphilias, aka kinks.

“A wide range of sexuoerotic diversity has its counterpart in the diversity of languages historically manifested in the human species,” Money wrote in his book Lovemaps: Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia and Gender Transposition in Childhood, Adolescence and Maturity. “[Sexual] diversity may be an inevitable evolutionary trade-off - the price paid for the freeing of the primate brain to develop its uniquely human genesis of syntactical speech and creative intelligence.”

So why does having your balls busted by other dudes turn you on when you're not even remotely interested in other dudes romantically or sexually? No idea. We simply don't know why a person has this, that or the other kink, and almost everyone has at least one sexual interest that is seen as kinky by those who don't share it. But it probably has something to do with your big, complex brain and the way it makes big, abstract and sometimes seemingly random connections - the kind of connections that lead to syntactical speech, creative intelligence and crazy-ass kinks.

So take comfort: The fact that you have this kink isn't proof that there's something wrong with you. It's proof that you're human.

Which is not to say that a kink like yours is easily incorporated into a person's sex life. As one sex researcher I shared your letter with put it, BSTD, your kink involves an “override” of your usual erotic “target interest,” i.e., women. While that kind of override is not unheard of, it's not something that's easily explained to a girlfriend. And as your encounters with other men pose no physical risk to your female partners (you're not exactly gonna catch an STI getting kicked in the nuts), you can certainly justify getting your balls busted on the DL. But secret double lives are stressful, and most people leading them eventually get found out. And when your girlfriend inevitably stumbles over (read: snoops and finds) evidence that you've been sneaking around behind her back with other men, you won't be explaining just your kink to her, but your betrayal, too.

So is there anything you can do about your kink?

“These problems are often highly treatable,” said Dr. Paul Fedoroff, who is a neuropsychiatrist, a forensic psychiatrist and the director of the Sexual Behaviors Clinic at the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre at the University of Ottawa. “Typically, a low-dose SSRI works magic.”

SSRIs, or “selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors,” are a class of drugs that are usually prescribed as antidepressants. SSRIs can crater a person's libido, as is commonly known, but they can also, according to Fedoroff, help a person overcome an unwanted sexual interest or compulsion. “I had one patient who used to tie his testes with rope and then hit them with a hammer,” Fedoroff said. “He was referred to me by a urologist when he asked for surgical castration. I prescribed an SSRI, and a month later he told me, ‘That [was] the craziest idea I ever had.' He had no further interest in ‘ball busting' and said his life would have been different if he had found this medication earlier.”

Fedoroff also had some thoughts about why you want to do this with men.

“The last time I saw a case like this was about four hours ago,” Fedoroff said. “This was a 50-year-old, highly successful businessman, a lifelong heterosexual who self-described as ‘dominant' with women, [yet he was] advertising on the Internet to find men he could perform oral sex on.” For some straight men, “being dominated by another man provides more ‘humiliation' than being dominated by a woman.”

Fedoroff isn't the only doctor out there medicating kinksters. In his absolutely terrific book The Other Side of Desire (which is where I first ran across that John Money quote), journalist Daniel Bergner profiles a foot fetishist so paralyzed by shame that he seeks treatment from a shrink who prescribes him a drug that “cures” him. The drug? The “lust-obliterating” Lupron, an antiandrogen that is sometimes used to “chemically castrate” sex offenders.

Now, I'm generally a fan of Western medicine - prescription drugs, invasive procedures, hospital cafeteria Jell-O - but I think taking SSRIs or chemically castrating yourself to suppress an urge to get kicked in the balls six times a year … well, that's even more extreme than your kink. You would be better advised, in my opinion, to accept both your kink and your contradictions. Yes, your kink will probably shock even women who have a few kinks of their own. But if you present your kink to your girlfriends as just one fun, crazy, weird, hard-to-explain-but-endearingly-quirky aspect of your sexual expression, they're likelier to react to it positively. And if you look for women in the fetish/BDSM scene - where straight men are sometimes known to engage in S/M play with each other - your chances are better of finding an open-minded woman who isn't threatened by your kinks.

You might find a woman who wants to watch.

Finally, another sex researcher urged me to urge you to bank/ freeze some of your sperm in case you wind up busting your balls, like, permanently. Your nuts can take only so much abuse - people have ruptured and even lost testicles when ball busting, sack tapping or CBT went too far. (It can even kill you: tinyurl.com/bustedballs.) As it doesn't take a lot of force to make a guy feel like his balls have been “busted,” ask your ball-busting buddies to pull those punches, kicks and stomps.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) From an astrological perspective, it's the New Year season; you're beginning a fresh cycle. How would you like to celebrate? You could make a few resolutions - maybe pledge to wean yourself from a wasteful habit or self-sabotaging vice. You could also invite the universe to show you what you don't even realize you need to know. What might also be interesting would be to compose a list of the good habits you will promise to cultivate, and the ingenious breakthroughs you will work toward, and the shiny yet gritty dreams you will court and woo.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) “My father-in-law was convinced that his sheepdogs picked up his thoughts telepathically,” writes Richard Webster in his article “Psychic Animals. “He needed only to think what he wanted his dogs to do, and they would immediately do it. He had to be careful not to think too far ahead, as his dogs would act on the thought he was thinking at the time.” To this I'd add that there is a wealth of other anecdotal evidence, as well as some scientific research, suggesting that dogs respond to unspoken commands. I happen to believe that the human animal is also capable of picking up thoughts that aren't said aloud. And I suspect that you're in a phase when it will be especially important to take that into account. Be discerning about what you imagine, because it could end up in the mind of someone you know!

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Your right brain and left brain have rarely been on such close speaking terms as they are right now. Your genitals and your heart seem to be in a good collaborative groove as well. Even your past and your future are mostly in agreement about how you should proceed in the present. To what do we owe the pleasure of this rather dramatic movement toward integration? Here's one theory: You're being rewarded for the hard work you have done to take good care of yourself.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A South African biologist was intrigued to discover an interesting fact about the rodent known as the elephant shrew: It much prefers to slurp the nectar of pagoda lilies than to nibble on peanut butter mixed with apples and rolled oats. The biologist didn't investigate whether mountain goats would rather eat grasses and rushes than ice cream sundaes or whether lions like fresh-killed antelopes better than Caesar salad, but I'm pretty sure they do. In a related subject, I hope that in the coming weeks you will seek to feed yourself exclusively with the images, sounds, stories and food that truly satisfy your primal hunger rather than the stuff that other people like or think you should like.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) There are only a very few people whose ancestors were not immigrants. They live in Africa, where homo sapiens got its start. As for the rest of us, our forbears wandered away from their original home and spread out over the rest of the planet. We all came from somewhere else! This is true on many other levels, as well. In accordance with the astrological omens, I invite you to get in touch with your inner immigrant this week. It's an excellent time to acknowledge and celebrate the fact that you are nowhere near where you started from, whether you gauge that psychologically, spiritually or literally.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) “When I'm good, I'm very good,” said Hollywood's original siren, Mae West, “but when I'm bad I'm better.” I think that assertion might at times make sense coming out of your lips in the next two weeks. But I'd like to offer a variation that could also serve you well. It's articulated by my reader Sarah Edelman, who says, “When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm batty, I'm better.” Consider trying out both of these attitudes as you navigate your way through the mysterious and sometimes unruly fun that's headed your way.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The Weekly World News, my favorite source of fake news, reported on a major development in the art world: An archaeologist found the lost arms of the famous Venus de Milo statue. They were languishing in a cellar in Southern Croatia. Hallelujah! Since her discovery in 1820, the goddess of love and beauty has been incomplete. Will the Louvre Museum in Paris, where she is displayed, allow her to be joined by her original appendages and made whole again? Let's not concern ourselves now with that question. Instead, please turn your attention to a more immediate concern: the strong possibility that you will soon experience a comparable development, the rediscovery of and reunification with a missing part of you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) Seventeenth-century physicians sometimes advised their patients to consume tobacco as a way to alleviate a number of different maladies, from toothaches to arthritis. A few doctors continued recommending cigarettes as health aids into the 1950s. This bit of history may be useful to keep in mind. You're in a phase when you're likely to have success in hunting down remedies for complaints of both a physical and psychological nature. But you should be cautious about relying on conventional wisdom, just in case some of it resembles the idea that cigarettes are good for you. And always double check to make sure that the cures aren't worse than what they are supposed to fix.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Outer space isn't really that far away. As astronomer Fred Hoyle used to say, you'd get there in an hour if you could drive a car straight up. I think there's a comparable situation in your own life. You've got an inflated notion of how distant a certain goal is, and that's inhibiting you from getting totally serious about achieving it. I'm not saying that the destination would be a breeze to get to. My point is that it's closer than it seems.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) When most Westerners hear the word “milk,” they surmise it has something to do with cows. But the fact is that humans drink milk collected from sheep, goats, camels, yaks, mares, llamas and reindeer. And many grocery stores now stock milk made from soybeans, rice, almonds, coconut, hemp and oats. I'm wondering if maybe it's a good time for you to initiate a comparable diversification. You shouldn't necessarily give up the primal sources of nourishment you have been depending on. Just consider the possibility that it might be fun and healthy for you to seek sustenance from some unconventional or unexpected sources.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) You wouldn't want to play a game of darts with an inflatable dartboard, right? If you were a smoker, you'd have little interest in a fireproof cigarette. And while a mesh umbrella might look stylish, you wouldn't be foolish enough to expect it to keep the rain out. In the spirit of these truisms, I suggest you closely examine any strategy you're considering to see if it has a built-in contradiction. Certain ideas being presented to you - perhaps even arising from your own subconscious mind - may be inherently impractical to use in the real world.

Hoping One Person Enters

A hookup is a relationship, HOPE. It may be a short-term relationship, but it's a relationship regardless.

And, yes, a short-term hookup can turn into a long-term relationship, HOPE, but not if you're treating your hookups like shit (because they're only hookups!) and not if you're willing to let the people you hook up with treat you like shit (because you're only a hookup). Treat your hookups like people you might actually see again - like human beings with human feelings, not just human holes and/or poles - and you might actually see them again.

Now, sometimes people hook up with strangers precisely because they wanna have sex with someone they don't know and don't expect to see again. And that's not always a bad idea: Having sex with someone who you don't expect to see again can be very liberating. A girl who can't let herself go with a guy she's dating - maybe she fears being slut- or nympho-shamed by a boyfriend - will grind the dick off a hookup. And it can be easier to ask someone you don't expect to see again to do something kinky. Say a straight boy has always wanted a girl to put him in her panties and peg his ass. He could ask a girlfriend to do that for him, sure, but the stakes are higher. What if she freaks out and dumps him, and blabs to her friends - and his - about why she dumped him?

People who divide the fuckable world into those they care about (and can't open up to sexually) and those they don't care about (and can open up to sexually but won't date) wind up having awesome sex with people they don't know and lousy sex with people they marry. That's not a good strategy for anyone interested in a successful - and sexually fulfilling - long-term relationship.

So here's what you should do, HOPE: Be uninhibited with your hookups while treating them like people you might actually see again and insist on being treated that way in return. Don't hook up with people who treat you like shit; don't treat the people you hook up with like shit. Even if you know you're not going to see someone again - maybe they're not someone you would date or circumstances are such that you couldn't date them even if you wanted to (business trip, European vacation, spring break, etc.) - treat your hookups with kindness, respect and gratitude.

Finally, HOPE, some people treat hookups like shit - only after they've come, natch - because they want their hookups to understand that they're not interested in a relationship. That's not just assholery, assholes, it's completely unnecessary assholery. If someone was kind enough to suck your dick or fuck your brains out - if someone hooked up with your ass - a little kindness and consideration isn't too much to ask. If you're worried that your hookup might misinterpret “kindness and consideration” for “I want to be with you forever,” tell them - gently and directly - that you're not interested in a relationship.

Straight guy here. For the first time inmy life, I am with someone who understands how much my work is a part of who I am. (I travel for research and come home and agonize over writing it up.) We have a caring and affectionate relationship. She told me at the start that she has never had an orgasm and she didn't believe in masturbation. I knew then that the sex would be vanilla, but I didn't realize that a year later, it would be more vanilla and less frequent. I'm going out of my mind. In the early months, we discussed open relationships. Her view was that she wasn't interested, but if I cheated it would be fine as long as she never found out. At the time, it sounded like a trap; now it sounds like an option. Help.

Sex Too Underwhelming Can't Kontinue

Since an honest open relationship is off the table, STUCK, I'm gonna urge you to DTMFA. (I'm not saying your girlfriend is an MF - heavens no - but DTMFA is the term of art around here.) I'm thinking you'll have an easier time getting a girl who likes sex to understand how important your work is to you than you'll have getting this girl to understand how important sex is to you. You and your current girlfriend simply aren't sexually compatible, STUCK, and sexual compatibility matters when you're picking a sex partner. Duh.

I am a girl and I am stuck. My boyfriendand I have been dating for nine months, and I only recently told him I can squirt. When we would have sex before, I would tell him to stop before I came because I didn't want to squirt. Now that he knows, he thinks it's really hot that I can and wants me to do it. But I can't seem to get to that point anymore. I have a vibrator, and when I masturbate, I can squirt no problem. But even with me, or him, stimulating my clit while having sex, I just can't do it and I don't know why.

What Should I Do?

You should relax.

I'm not saying that you'll squirt the next time you fuck your boyfriend if you can just relax, WSID, but you'll get there sooner if you relax about whether or not you're squirting.

And let's remember why you weren't squirting with the boyfriend: You were worried that he might react negatively or think it was gross. Not squirting was something you were doing for him. Now that you know he's into it, you want to squirt for him.

You trained your body not to come when you were with your boyfriend, and it's going to take some time to undo that training. But if you can squirt when you masturbate alone, WSID, you can squirt with your boyfriend. And here's how you can get there: Masturbate with your boyfriend in the house but not in your room. Then do it with him in the room but not in the bed with you - and, hey, put a blindfold on him if you're self-conscious about him watching you. Then masturbate with him in the bed with you blindfolded. Then masturbate with him in the bed with you not blindfolded. Then masturbate with him in the bed and not blindfolded and touching you, then with him in the bed holding you, then with him in the bed helping you.

Relax, enjoy, have fun, and you'll get there, WSID, I promise.

The advice you gave to TUSH - the gay teenager worried because he and his boyfriend weren't any good at gay sex - isn't exclusive to the gay young'uns. Most of us don't start with the discipline of practice and communication often required for mutually successful sex. My first attempts, as a virgin male with a virgin female, were hilariously awkward. Nothing worked, nothing fit. Fifteen years later, with a combined 30 years of experience, we hooked up again for one of our best-ever sexual encounters. Please let the gay kids know they're not at all alone in this crazy game of sex. Like anything worthwhile, it takes time and effort and practice to get good at it.

Only Learning Doth Make A Notch

Thanks for sharing, OLDMAN.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) “What people really need and demand from life is not wealth, comfort or esteem, but games worth playing,” said psychiatrist Thomas Szasz. I love that thought, and am excited to offer it up to you right now. You have been invited or will soon be invited to participate in some of the best games ever. These are not grueling games foisted on you by people hoping to manipulate you, nor pointless games that exhaust your energy for naught. Rather, they are fun challenges that promise to stretch your intelligence, deepen your perspective and enhance your emotional riches.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Is it conceivable that you've gotten a bit off track? As I close my eyes and ask my higher powers for a psychic vision, I get an impression of you staring at a blurry image of a symbol that is no longer an accurate representation of your life goal. Now of course there's a chance that my vision is completely unfounded. But if it does ring at least somewhat true to you - if it suggests a question worth asking yourself - I invite you to meditate on the possibility that you need to update your understanding of what your ultimate target looks like.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) From an astrological point of view, it's prime time for you to attend a networking extravaganza or collaboration spree. Likewise, this is an excellent phase in your long-term cycle to organize a gathering for the close allies who will be most important in helping you carry out your master plan during the next 12 months. Have you ever heard of the term “Temporary Autonomous Zone”? It's a time and place where people with shared interests and common values can explore the frontiers of productive conviviality. It might be a dinner party in an inspirational setting, a boisterous ritual in a rowdy sanctuary or a private festival for fellow seekers. I hope you make sure something like that materializes.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) To begin one of his performances, comedian and musician Steve Martin ambled on stage and told his audience what to expect. “Before every show,” he said, “I like to do one thing that is impossible. So now I'm going to suck this piano into my lungs.” That's the kind of brag I hope to hear coming from you sometime soon - the more outrageous the better. Why? Because I'd love to see you cultivate a looser, breezier relationship with your actual ambitions. To make boastful jokes about wacky or far-fetched goals might inspire you to be jauntier and friskier about those real ones. And that would rouse a burst of fresh motivational energy.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The text for this week's oracle comes from Frederick Douglass (1818-1895), a great American statesman who, after escaping slavery, became a leader of the abolitionist movement. “Those who profess to favor freedom and yet depreciate agitation,” he said, “are people who want crops without plowing the ground; they want rain without thunder and lightning. … The struggle may be a moral one, or it may be a physical one, or it may be both. But it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand.” Please apply these thoughts to your own situation. You have entered the liberation phase of your cycle.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I'm about to list some declarations that I hope will come out of your mouth at least once in the next three weeks. If for any reason you're not finding yourself in situations where these words would make sense for you to utter, please rearrange your life accordingly. 1. “There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now.” 2. “Is it OK with you if we take this really slow?” 3. “No one's ever done that before.” 4. “Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing.” 5. “It's like we know what each other is thinking.” 6. “Can I have some more, please?”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) A political strategist told me one of her most important rules: To win an election, you have to help your candidate choose the right fights. I think that would be an excellent guiding principle for you in the coming weeks. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you will be getting invitations to spar, joust and wrangle. Although it might be exciting to leap into each and every fray with your eyes blazing, I suggest you show careful discernment. Try to confine your participation to those tangles that will downplay your weaknesses and highlight your strengths.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) In the famous children's book The Little Prince, the hero lives on an asteroid with three volcanoes, two active and one dormant. One day he decides to leave home and travel to other realms. Before departing, he meticulously scours all three volcanoes. “If they are well cleaned out,” the narrator reports, “volcanoes burn slowly and steadily, without any eruptions.” I recommend that you take after the Little Prince. It's high time to attend to the upkeep of your volcanoes. Make sure they will burn slow and steady in the coming months, even when you're not at home.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) One of the classics of ancient Sanskrit literature is the Kama Sutra, which gives practical advice about erotic love. The most popular edition of the book offers instructions on eight kinds of kisses and 64 sexual positions, with additional tips on styles of embracing and caressing. This would be an excellent time for you to get inspired by information like that. Your relationship with the amorous arts is due for expansion and refinement. You don't necessarily need to rely on book learning, of course. You could accomplish a lot of empirical exploration simply by getting naked and firing up your imagination.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Singer-songwriter Tom Waits was strongly influenced by Bob Dylan's down-to-earth album The Basement Tapes. “I like my music with the rinds and the seeds and pulp left in,” Waits testifies. “The noise and grit” of Dylan's rootsy, intimate songs, he says, creates a mood of “joy and abandon.” That's the spirit I wish for you in the coming weeks. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, get down to the gritty, organic core of things. Hunker down in the funky fundamentals. Hang out where the levels of pretension are low and the stories are fresh and raw.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) You're not really breaking the rules, right? It's more like you're just testing their elasticity; you're helping them become more supple and flexible. I'm sure that sooner or later people will thank you for how you're expanding the way the game is played. It may take a while, but they will eventually appreciate and capitalize on the liberties you are now introducing into the system. In the short run, though, you might have to take some heat for your tinkering and experiments. Try not to let that inhibit your eagerness to try creative risks.

Tell Us Something Helpful

P.S. Do we really need to use condoms? We are both virgins and each other's first boyfriend.

You and your boyfriend aren't failing gayness, TUSH.

Gay men and boys can be successes in life, in love and in the sack without acing – or even enjoying – anal intercourse. Anal doesn't define you as gay men and it certainly isn't all there is to gay sex. There are so many ways that you and your boyfriend can get off together – mutual masturbation, oral sex, frottage (aka “wet humping”) – that are just as pleasurable, just as “real” and just as gay as anal intercourse. But if you and your boyfriend want to give anal another go, TUSH, here's a crash course in anal sex-ed …

First, experiment on your own. Use fingers and toys and lots of lube. I recommend that you get your hands on a butt plug, get your ass on that butt plug and get yourself off with that butt plug in your ass. Exploring anal penetration solo will allow you to experience anal pleasure without any pressure or expectations, TUSH. You can really take your time and you won't feel like you're disappointing your boyfriend if you have to bail.

Your boyfriend should do the same. I don't care if your boyfriend is a top – or thinks he is, or is topping because you want to bottom – your boyfriend will be a better top if he knows what it feels like to be penetrated and enjoys penetration himself.

OK! So you've both done some exploring on your own – jacked off with fingers and toys – and there you are, just you and your boyfriend, hanging out. Your butts are squeaky clean and, hey, you've got the house all to yourselves … is it time to fuck? Not yet. Now you're gonna spend some time sticking fingers and toys in your butts and jerking off together. For extra credit, you can experiment with rimming, if you haven't already, as nothing relaxes anal sphincters quite so effectively. (Once more with feeling: squeaky-clean butts!) The point is for you to do anal a few times with the boyfriend and for both of you to get off – you and the boyfriend – without his dick going anywhere near your ass.

Now you're ready to get fucked.

You're going to need lots of lube, TUSH, and lots of patience. Have your boyfriend apply lube directly to your hole; he should gently rub your hole for a bit, to help it relax, before using a finger or two to push some lube just inside you; you can apply the lube to his dick. Move into whatever position feels most comfortable for you – him on top, you on top, face-to-face, doggy-style – and point the tip of his hard cock directly at your hole. He should apply some pressure: uniform, constant, gentle pressure. You'll feel your asshole begin to open as the head of his cock enters you. Keep breathing as the rest of his dick slowly – a fraction of an inch at a time – slides into you.

Once he's all the way inside, TUSH, your boyfriend may be tempted to start banging away, porn-star style, but that would be a huge mistake. Your boyfriend should instead stay perfectly still for the first minute or two while you breathe and relax. Kiss your boyfriend and stroke yourself during the brief lull before the fucking starts. Then he starts moving inside you – very slowly. He pulls out an inch or two and slides back in, you keep breathing and stroking, he pulls back an inch or two more and slides in. With each successive thrust, your boyfriend will be able to pull out a little farther, TUSH, and before you know it, he'll be fucking the hell out of you. The whole process (the hole process?) – from patient foreplay to full-on assfucking – takes 30 minutes at least.

P.S. You don't have to use condoms, but you should. Using condoms is a good habit to get into, TUSH, and if you have any concerns about cleanliness, well, a condom is your best friend. There are lots of gay guys out there – including guys as young as you – who got infected with HIV by boyfriends, including first boyfriends, who lied or didn't know or fucked up. So listen to your mother and use condoms, TUSH, along with a water-based lubricant.

I am an intern at the health and wellness center at my university. This is safe-sex-awareness month on campus. We got donations from some sex toy companies. Among the products we received is something marketed as “Desensitizing Anal Wipes” by a company called California Exotic Novelties.

We gave away these samples at our recent expo. After the fair, a student came up to my boss and me. As a young gay man, he expressed concern that desensitizing anal wipes were not safe to use, as masking pain could in fact lead to engaging in activities that you may not otherwise. I am assuming that what he meant here is that if you are experiencing pain during anal sex, you probably shouldn't proceed. I know with anal you need to take things slow, use lots of lube and work your way up to it, but that's about the extent of my knowledge in this area. But I'd like to know what the Dan Savage take is on anal desensitizing wipes. Yay or nay?

A Sensitive Subject

Googling “desensitizing anal wipes” got me this: “… perfect for using before anal sex to reduce friction pains and ease entry.”

Anyone who's too stupid to use lube for anal sex – or anyone who is using lube but somehow doesn't realize that reducing friction and easing entry is what lube is down there to do – probably won't be harmed by a “desensitizing” moist towelette that retails for $3.99. I don't know what the active ingredient is, ASS, but I can't imagine it's a pharmaceutical-grade topical anesthetic. So I doubt that anyone who uses a DAW is going to wind up with an ass so benumbed that he won't realize he's being torn to shreds until after he sees blood and santorum all over his sheets, pillows, walls, floor, boyfriend, ceiling, Xbox 360, cats, etc.

That said, ASS, desensitizing anal wipes play on common fears and misconceptions about anal sex – namely, that anal sex is supposed to hurt. Anal done right isn't painful, of course, even if it takes time, practice and some patience to get used to. Some people do experience discomfort when they first attempt anal, but discomfort isn't pain. It's important for people to understand that if anal sex hurts, they're doing it wrong – not enough lube, not enough foreplay, not enough practice – and they need to stop. Desensitizing wipes send the opposite message.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Let's see if you know what these exquisitely individuated luminaries have in common: Salvador Dali, Martha Graham, Stephen Colbert, David Byrne, Maya Deren, Malcolm X, Willie Nelson, Bono, Dennis Hopper, Cate Blanchett, George Carlin, Tina Fey, Sigmund Freud. Give up? They are or were all Tauruses. Would you characterize any of them as sensible, materialistic slowpokes obsessed with comfort and security, as many traditional astrology texts describe Tauruses? Nope. They were or are distinctive innovators with unique style and creative flair. They are your role models as you cruise through the current phase of maximum self-expression.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) In December 1946, three Bedouin shepherds were tending their flock near the Dead Sea. They found a cave with a small entrance. Hoping it might contain treasure hidden there long ago, they wanted to explore it. The smallest of the three managed to climb through the narrow opening. He brought out a few dusty old scrolls in ceramic jars. The shepherds were disappointed. But eventually the scrolls were revealed to be one of the most important finds in archaeological history: the first batch of what has come to be known as the Dead Sea Scrolls. Keep this story in mind. A metaphorically similar tale may unfold for you soon. A valuable discovery may initially appear to you in a form you're not that excited about.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) The devil called together a committee meeting of his top assistants. He was displeased. Recruitments of people born under the sign of Cancer had fallen far below projected totals. “It's unacceptable,” the dark lord fumed. “Those insufferable Crabs have been too mentally healthy lately to be tantalized by our lies. Frankly, I'm at wit's end. Any suggestions?” His marketing expert said, “Let's redouble our efforts to make them buy into the hoax about the world ending on Dec. 21, 2012.” The executive vice-president chimed in: “How about if we play on their fears about running out of what they need?” The chief of intelligence had an idea, too: “I say we offer them irrelevant goodies that tempt them away from their real goals.”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) “If you don't run your own life, someone else will,” said psychologist John Atkinson. Make that your motto in the coming weeks. Write it on a big piece of cardboard and hold it up in front of your eyes as you wake up each morning. Use it as a prod that motivates you to shed any laziness you might have about living the life you really want. Periodically ask yourself these three questions: Are you dependent on the approval, permission, or recognition of others? Have you set up a person, ideology, or image of success that's more authoritative than your own intuition? Is there any area of your life where you have ceded control to an external source?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Here are the last words that computer pioneer Steve Jobs spoke before he died: “OH WOW. OH WOW. OH WOW.” I'd propose that we bring that mantra into as wide a usage as Jobs' other creations, like the iPhone and iPad. I'd love to hear random strangers exclaiming it every time they realize how amazing their lives are. I'd enjoy it if TV newscasters spoke those words to begin each show, acknowledging how mysterious our world really is. I'd be pleased if lovers everywhere uttered it at the height of making love. I nominate you to start the trend. You're the best choice, since your tribe, of all the signs of the zodiac, will most likely have the wildest rides and most intriguing adventures in the coming weeks.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) A starfish that loses an arm can grow back a new one. It's an expert regenerator. According to my understanding of the astrological omens, you are entering a starfish-like phase of your cycle. Far more than usual, you'll be able to recover parts of you that got lost and reanimate parts of you that fell dormant. For the foreseeable future, your words of power are “rejuvenate,” “restore,” “reawaken,” and “revive.” If you concentrate really hard and fill yourself with the light of the spiritual sun, you might even be able to perform a kind of resurrection.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Too much of a good thing isn't necessarily good. (Have you ever hyperventilated?) Too little of a good thing can be bad. (Have you ever gotten dehydrated?) Some things are good in measured doses but bad if done to excess. (Wine and chocolate.) A very little of a very bad thing may still be a bad thing. (It's hard to smoke crack in moderation.) The coming week is prime time to be thinking along these lines. You will generate a lot of the exact insights you need if you weigh and measure everything in your life and judge what is too much and what is too little.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Sculptor Constantin Brancusi had a clear strategy as he produced his art: “Create like God, command like a king, work like a slave.” I suggest you adopt a similar approach for your own purposes in the coming weeks. With that as your formula, you could make rapid progress on a project that's dear to you. So make sure you have an inspiring vision of the dream you want to bring into being. Map out a bold, definitive plan for how to accomplish it. And then summon enormous stamina, fierce concentration and unfailing attention to detail as you translate your heart's desire into a concrete form.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) “If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through,” writes novelist Anne Lamott, “you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in.” I think the coming weeks will be your time to slip through that forbidden door. The experiences that await you on the other side may not be everything you have always needed, but I think they are at least everything you need next. Besides, it's not like the taboo against penetrating into the unknown place makes much sense any more. The biggest risk you take by breaking the spell is the possibility of losing a fear you've grown addicted to.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) When rain falls on dry land, it activates certain compounds in the soil that release a distinctive aroma. “Petrichor” is the word for that smell. If you ever catch a whiff of it when there's no rain, it's because a downpour has begun somewhere nearby, and the wind is bringing you news of it. I suspect that you will soon be awash in a metaphorical version of petrichor. A parched area of your life is about to receive much-needed moisture.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Forty percent of Americans do not know that the dinosaurs died out long before human beings ever existed. When these folks see an old cartoon of caveman Fred Flintstone riding on a Diplodocus, they think it's depicting a historical fact. In the coming weeks, you need to steer clear of people who harbor gross delusions like that. It's more important than usual that you hang out with educated, cultured types who possess a modicum of well-informed ideas about the history of humanity and the nature of reality. Surround yourself with intelligent influences, please.