Let’s game this out.
While it’s possible your ex-boyfriend did this on purpose, it’s also possible that this was an accident. I’m not excusing his behavior, particularly the nonconsensual boob groping, but as a former 14-year-old boy myself, I feel obligated to toss this out there: Very few boys have achieved complete mastery over their dicks by age 14. Sometimes those things go off when we do not want them to. And accidentally blowing a load in your pants during a hot-and-heavy make-out session is an experience that most boys find deeply humiliating.
You were there, and I was not; you dated this dude, and I did not. If your boyfriend was a generally decent guy, and if there’s a chance this was an accident, contacting him – even via Facebook – will probably get you the apology you want.
But if it wasn’t an accident – if he was a selfish, manipulative piece of shit who took advantage of your naiveté – you’re unlikely to get the apology you want. Because if your ex-boyfriend was a selfish, manipulative piece of shit at age 14, odds are good that he remains a selfish, manipulative piece of shit at 21. If he’s an asshole, and you speak to him about this, you’re unlikely to get the apology you want. Ask yourself how you’ll feel if he responds to your request for an apology with GIFs of people laughing their asses off. If the answer is “infinitely worse,” don’t contact him.
P.S. Two more tips to avoid feeling worse: Don’t go to the police with this, and stay out of the comments.

I am a straight, 45-year-old, monogamous male. I am married for the second time, to a wonderful 42-year-old woman. The few times I shared fantasies with my first wife, she used them as weapons in the many battles we fought over the years. She also betrayed my trust by sharing these fantasies with others. Fast-forward to my second wife. She is fabulous. We can talk about anything. She is respectful of my trust issues and has helped me immensely in getting over much of it. When she says, “I’ll think about it,” she really does. I never feel dismissed. And the sex has been amazing. We have explored things I only dreamed about. Anal sex, public sex, sex toys and video cameras are all part of our routine now. She asks me for things, and I try them. I ask her for things, and she tries them.
So what is the problem? I can’t bring myself to ask her for two things that are more than bucket-list issues to me. I am a closet crossdresser. I want to make love to her in stockings and a teddy. I made this request to my ex, and it resulted in humiliation. She even shared it with my son out of spite. And I want us to try watersports. When this came up during marriage counseling with my first wife, the counselor blew up at me and accused me of degrading my marriage.
So how do I screw up the courage to ask my current wife to let me dress up in women’s underwear and make love to her and then have her pee on me? Just writing about it is making my stomach twist, but when I look into her eyes and feel the trust, I almost blurt it out. I won’t die if these wishes go unfulfilled, but I would die if my second wife stopped respecting me.
Pretty Under Normal Things

You love your new wife, she loves you, you’re both GGG – it all sounds so good, so functional, especially compared to your nightmarish first marriage. Congrats. But you held your two biggest kinks back from the new woman in your life, and now you’re sweating the reveal because the stakes are so high. This is precisely why I urge people to lay those kink cards on the table early. The longer you wait, the more emotionally invested you become in the relationship, the higher the stakes. Because what if your kinks aren’t just things your second wife isn’t interested in exploring, but attraction-killers?
My advice: Instead of having an open and honest here-are-two-things-I-wanna-do conversation, PUNT, go with an indirect here-are-two-things-some-people-do conversation. Find a way to broach the topics of crossdressing and piss play without having to admit that they turn you on, e.g., go see a drag show (drag isn’t crossdressing, of course, but it will allow you to broach the men-in-dresses subject generally) and find a porn film with one brief, not-too-hardcore piss scene in it and watch it together. Pay attention to her response. If she reacts in a neutral or positive way to men in dresses and/or piss play, lay those last two kink cards on the table. If she reacts negatively, you might just die with those wishes unfulfilled.
Pro tip: Nervous kinksters can screw up indirect here-are-two-things-some-people-do conversations by telegraphing disgust. Someone who’s into rubber says, “Isn’t it weird how some people get off on wearing rubber clothes and gas masks?” The non-kinky partner picks up on the word “weird” and responds with, “Yeah, that rubber stuff is fucked up.” If you set a negative tone, your wife is likely to pick up on that. So keep your reactions as neutral as possible.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan chats with the amazing Mistress Matisse about where kink comes from, fantasy BDSM versus nonconsensual abuse and how to meet a kinky mate. All at savagelovecast.com.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Nobel Prize-winning physicist Richard Feynman admitted that physicists can’t really define “energy,” let alone understand it. “We have no knowledge of what energy is,” he said. “We do not have a picture that energy comes in little blobs of a definite amount.” While it’s unlikely that in the coming weeks you will advance the scientific understanding of energy, you will almost certainly boost your natural grasp of what energy feels like both inside and outside of your body. You will develop a more intuitive knack for how it ebbs and flows. You will discover useful tips about how to make it work for you rather than against you. You’re already a pretty smart animal, but soon you’ll get even smarter.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Giant Sequoias are the biggest trees on the planet. Many are more than 300 feet tall and 30 feet wide. Their longevity is legendary, too. They can live for 2,000 years. And yet their seeds are tiny. If you had a bag of 91,000 seeds, it would weigh one pound. I suspect there’s currently a resemblance between you and the Giant Sequoia. You’re close to acquiring a small kernel that has the potential to grow into a strong and enduring creation. Do you know what I’m talking about? Identify it. Start nurturing it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Don’t take yourself too seriously. The more willing you are to make fun of your problems, the greater the likelihood is that you will actually solve them. If you’re blithe and breezy and buoyant, you will be less of a magnet for suffering. To this end, say the following affirmations out loud. 1) “I’m willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.” 2) “I’m sorry, but I’m not apologizing any more.” 3) “Suffering makes you deep. Travel makes you broad. I’d rather travel.” 4) “My commitment is to truth, not consistency.” 5) “The hell with enlightenment, I want to have a tantrum.” 6) “I stopped fighting my inner demons.  We’re on the same side now.”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Would you buy a stuffed bunny or a baby blanket that was handcrafted by a prisoner on death row? Would you go to a café and eat a sandwich that was made by an employee who was screaming angrily at another employee while he made your food? Would you wear a shirt that was sewn by a 10-year-old Bangladeshi girl who works 12 hours every day with a machine that could cut off her fingers if she makes one wrong move? Questions like these will be good for you to ask yourself. It’s important for you to evaluate the origins of all the things you welcome into your life – and to make sure they are in alignment with your highest values and supportive of your well-being.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Having good posture tends to make you look alert and vigorous. More than that, it lowers stress levels in your tissues and facilitates the circulation of your bodily fluids. You can breathe better, too. In the coming weeks, I urge you to give yourself this blessing: the gift of good posture. I encourage you to bestow a host of other favors, too. Specialize in treating yourself with extra sweetness and compassion. Explore different ways to get excited, awaken your sense of wonder and be in love with your life. If anyone calls you a self-involved narcissist, tell them you’re just doing what your astrologer prescribed.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The German word fernweh can be translated as “wanderlust.” Its literal meaning is “farsickness,” or “an ache for the distance.” Another German word, Wandertrieb, may be rendered as “migratory instinct” or “passion to travel.” I suspect urges like these may be welling up in you right now. You could use a break from your familiar pleasures and the comforts you’ve been taking for granted. Moreover, you would attract an unexpected healing into your life by rambling off into the unknown.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) We call it “longing,” says poet Robert Haas, “because desire is full of endless distances.” In other words, you and the object of your yearning may be worlds apart even though you are right next to each other. For that matter, there may be a vast expanse between you and a person you consider an intimate ally; your secret life and his or her secret life might be mysteries to each other. That’s the bad news. The good news is that you’re in a phase when you have extraordinary power to shrink the distances. Get closer! Call on your ingenuity and courage to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Are you ready to go deeper? In fact, would you be willing to go deeper and deeper and deeper? I foresee the possibility that you might benefit from diving in over your head. I suspect that the fear you feel as you dare to descend will be an acceptable trade-off for the educational thrills you will experience once you’re way down below. The darkness you encounter will be fertile, not evil. It will energize you, not deplete you. And if you’re worried that such a foray might feel claustrophobic, hear my prediction: In the long run it will enhance your freedom.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) In the course of his 91 years on the planet, artist Pablo Picasso lived in many different houses, some of them rentals. When inspired by the sudden eruption of creative urges, he had no inhibitions about drawing and doodling on the white walls of those temporary dwellings. On one occasion, his landlord got upset. He ordered Picasso to pay him a penalty fee so that he could have the sketches painted over. Given the fact that Picasso ultimately became the best-selling artist of all time, that landlord may have wished he’d left the squiggles intact. In every way you can imagine, don’t be like that landlord in the coming week.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) “I was often in love with something or someone,” wrote Polish poet Czesław Miłosz. “I would fall in love with a monkey made of rags. With a plywood squirrel. With a botanical atlas. With an oriole. With a ferret. With the forest one sees to the right when riding in a cart. With human beings whose names still move me.” Your task is to experiment with his approach to love. Make it a fun game: See how often you can feel adoration for unexpected characters and creatures. Be infatuated with curious objects … with snarky Internet memes … with fleeting phenomena like storms and swirling flocks of birds and candy spilled on the floor. Your mission is to supercharge your lust for life.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Scientists in Brazil discovered a huge new body of water 13,000 feet beneath the Amazon River. It’s completely underground. Named the Hamza River, it moves quite slowly, and is technically more of an aquifer than a river. It’s almost as long as the Amazon, and much wider. In accordance with the astrological omens, I’m making the Hamza River your symbol of the week. Use it to inspire you as you uncover hidden resources. Meditate on the possibility that you have within you a secret reservoir of vitality that lies beneath your well-known sources. See if you can tap into deep feelings that are so deep you’ve been barely conscious of them.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You have arrived at the edge of reality. Or rather, to be precise, you have arrived at the edge of what you think of as reality. Here’s where things could get very interesting. Just on the other side of that edge you’re brushing up against, there is much, much more reality – a vast territory you have barely imagined, let alone believed in or explored. Are you feeling brave? If you’re willing to find out about stuff you didn’t even realize you would love to experience, I suggest you slip across the border and wander around on the other side.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) A character in Neil Gaiman’s graphic novel A Game of You delivers this speech: “Everybody has a secret world inside of them … No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them.” You are not, of course, dull and boring on the outside. That may have something to do with why your secret inner worlds are often even frothier and sparklier than most people’s. But lately, I’m afraid, some of those secret inner worlds of yours have gotten a bit shabby and dank. It’s time for a deep cleansing. To be thorough, don’t just wash your own brain. Wash your wild heart and funky soul, too.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) “You begin saving the world by saving one person at a time,” said writer Charles Bukowski. “All else is grandiose romanticism or politics.” I invite you to make that thought one of your guiding principles in the coming week. Translate your high ideals into actions that make a practical impact on particular human beings and animals. Instead of merely talking about what good things you want to do, actually do them. As much as possible, be sure that every detail of your daily life reflects your vision of ultimate truth and beauty.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) If you were a fledgling savior, now would be a propitious moment to begin your messianic mission. If you were a musician hoping to leap to the next level of career success, this would be prime time to plan an extensive tour. If you were the inventor of the Next Big Thing, I’d suggest that you get your marketing campaign in gear. And if none of those descriptions fits your personal situation, regard them as apt metaphors for your use. How can you spread the word about what’s most important to you?

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) As frontman of the band Queen, Virgo singer Freddie Mercury made use of his four-octave range with flamboyant showmanship and breathtaking technique. Many critics regard him as one of the greatest vocalists in the history of pop music. Freddie joked that he was perfect except for one glaring flaw: his overbite. Because he had four extra teeth in his upper mouth, his top jaw protruded. But he chose not to alter his appearance with surgery because he suspected it might change his singing voice in unpredictable ways. Is there a comparable situation in your own life? A so-called imperfection that seems to be entwined with a beautiful asset? I urge you to be like Freddie. Accept the paradox – embrace it and celebrate it – and move on.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The 14th-century poet Dante was a major influence on 20th-century novelist James Joyce. “I love Dante,” wrote the author of the epic novel Ulysses. “He is my spiritual food.” And yet Joyce felt he had to absorb Dante in small doses. “Dante tires one quickly,” he said. “It is as if one were to look at the sun.” Is there any influence like that in your own life? Judging from the astrological omens, I’m guessing it’s a fine time for you to get as much sustained exposure to that glorious source as you can bear.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Greek poet Sappho was renowned in antiquity. The nine books she wrote were so esteemed that the historian Strabo wrote, “in this whole span of recorded time we know of no woman to challenge her as a poet even in the slightest degree.” And yet little of Sappho’s work survives. As of 2004 there were just 264 fragments and three complete poems. But then a fourth complete poem emerged. Its text was written on papyrus that had been wrapped in the casing of an Egyptian mummy. The mummy had been stored for years in a backroom at Cologne University in Germany before someone discovered its hidden treasure. Your assignment is to seek an equivalent recovery. Search for a part of the past that’s still beautiful and useful, even if that quest leads you to unlikely and obscure places.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) When I turn my psychic attention in your direction, I smell smoldering smoke. Here’s how I interpret that: Your internal fire is burning with less than maximum efficiency. Do you agree? If so, do you know why that might be? Did you not provide enough kindling? Is the wood too green? Is the ground wet? I urge you to find out what the problem is. You can’t afford to have sputtering flames and sooty light and spotty warmth. You need a steady blaze that radiates brilliant light and strong heat.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Very few of us are completely uninhibited about expressing who we really are. Most everyone is shy about revealing at least one facet of his or her identity. Why? Maybe because we’re afraid that people will judge us harshly for being different from what they think we should be. Or maybe our secret side is at odds with our self-image, and we hesitate to acknowledge it even to ourselves. What is this part of you? In what sense are you still in the closet about a truth or quality or event that’s central to your character? I urge you to have a conversation with yourself about it. You aren’t necessarily ready to tell the whole world about it, but now might be the right time to start considering the possibility that you can give it more room to play.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I absolutely forbid you to be a slave of happiness, a victim of pleasure or a prisoner of love. Wait. Sorry. I take that back. What gives me the right to forbid you from doing anything? It’s your life. You’re the boss. So let me reframe my previous advice. I beg you not to be a slave of happiness, a victim of pleasure or a prisoner of love. None of the good things in life will give you what you need if you make yourself crazy or sick while pursuing them. That’s the cautionary news. The encouraging news is that in the next five weeks, I think you will have a knack for cultivating a graceful relationship with happiness, pleasure and love.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Don’t be like the ducks that are floating on Phoenix Lake a short distance from where I’m sitting. They’re feeding entirely on the surface, happy to skim a few insects from the top of the placid waters they’re drifting on. Be more like the frogs that are diving to probe for morsels down below. This is a phase of your astrological cycle when the quest for more variety can deepen your perspective and provide better nourishment.

Nope.
And staging some sort of intervention now – well, the effort seems about four decades late. Even if you could find a new living situation for your cousin, he doesn’t want to move. He seems to like where he lives, he gets to buy himself dresses, and he gets to dress up once in a while. He’d probably be happier if he didn’t have to keep his dresses secret, but things could be much, much worse.

We’re a straight couple, and my boyfriend and I love playing with his butt. I love being able to ride him when he has a butt plug in, but it always falls out during sex. Is there something we can do?
Plug leaves us guessing

What you need is a bigger butt plug. The circumference of the widest part of the butt plug (the part that goes in his ass) needs to be four or five times greater than the circumference of the narrow part of the butt plug (the part his sphincters grip). If the widest part of your butt plug isn’t much wider than the narrow part, that butt plug will fly out of your boyfriend’s ass every time. Bigger butt plugs look intimidating – especially for straight boys – but the extra physical and emotional effort required to get a bigger butt plug in a straight boy’s ass … well, that shit pays off in the end.

My son is 13. After I caught him with porn on his smartphone, I replaced it with a dumb phone and limited his access to the Internet at home. He has asked me to buy him a Playboy. I need to play this right. I want him to come to me to talk about sex, but a mom buying her son porn doesn’t seem OK. If I don’t buy him a magazine, he will seek porn on the non-parent-regulated Internet. If I do purchase porn for him, doesn’t that just encourage him to walk the path of porn?
Baffled By Teenaged Boys

If your son wants old-fashioned, pre-Internet porn, he can acquire it in the old-fashioned, pre-Internet manner: He can get his ass to a bodega or a convenience store or a truck stop and steal some porn mags.

I am one of those straight girls who like to make out with other girls when I’m drunk. It’s fun to get the attention of men by kissing girls! What’s so wrong with that? Why do so many lesbians and bi women disparage this behavior? I guess it could be said that my behavior encourages men to objectify women who kiss other women. But I feel like that shouldn’t be on me! I am just an adult having sexy fun with other consenting adults!
Drunk Straight Girl

I can’t believe there are still queers out there hatin’ on drunk straight girls (DSGs) who make out with other DSGs to attract the attention of drunk straight boys (DSBs). Same-sex marriage is making significant gains, but it remains illegal in 38 states, Congress has yet to pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, the HIV-infection rate among young gay and bi men is up, and trans people who just want to use the toilet are being attacked in schools and state legislatures across the country. The queer community has 99 problems – at least – but DSGs making out with DSGs ain’t one.

I’m a female in my early 20s and have been seeing a really great guy for a few months. We’ve been having lots of awesome vanilla sex, but I dig light spanking. I have told him this, and he talks some hot dirty talk about what he’s GOING to do to me, but there’s no follow-through. This discomfort is linked to some abuse he witnessed – his stepdad hurt his mother. I like him and I’m happy to wait for him to ease into it slowly, but how much time do I leave between mentioning it? It’s been at least a month since I last brought it up, and I’ll go crazy if I don’t get some kinky sex soon.
Missing My Kinks

Here’s what you need to tell your boyfriend: “Vaginal intercourse without consent is rape, but vaginal intercourse with consent is sex. You can wrap your head around that, right? So you should be able to wrap your head around this: Spanking someone without consent is assault, but spanking someone with consent is sexy. And you’re going to spank me right now, with my consent, and it’s going to be hot.”

Straight guy here. No sex question. I just want you to tell me what is up with two guys at my gym. The skinnier dude does all the grunt work – sets up the weights, puts them back, wipes down the equipment – while the bigger dude stands there. The skinnier one can’t be the bigger dude’s personal trainer. Yesterday when the bigger dude noticed his shoe was untied, he pointed to his shoe, and the skinnier dude knelt and tied his fucking shoe for him. What the hell?
Most Everyone At The Gym Is Freaked

What you’ve described sounds like a not-nearly-subtle-enough, semipublic Dom/sub muscle worship scene. But I could be wrong. So if you have to know for sure what’s up, you’ll have ask the bigger dude. If it turns out these dudes are doing some sort of public Dom/sub scene, and the point is to humiliate the scrawnier dude, the bigger dude will be only too delighted to tell you about it.

Savage Lovecast: Tales of open relationships gone horribly wrong. And vibrator-addiction syndrome – are you at risk? All at savagelovecast.com.

Someone who started reading my column at age 16 – and that’s just the right age to start reading my column – should’ve known better than to marry a man she’d been dating for seven short months. And someone who has been reading my column for eight years should know what to do about a useless, unemployed, inconsiderate spouse: Call a divorce lawyer.
But you’re not ready to give up on this marriage, because an ill-advised quickie marriage is one thing (crazy whirlwind romance!), and a well-advised quickie divorce is another (sober acceptance of reality). So here’s my second-best advice for you: Move the fuck out. Tell your shitty husband that you’re not ready to divorce him but that you refuse to live with a man who doesn’t have a job, doesn’t cook or clean and isn’t interested in talking to a counselor and working on his marriage. Tell him you’re moving out to preserve your sanity and whatever small chance this marriage has of succeeding.
If he gets his shit together, maybe you can stay married. If he doesn’t, well, maybe you’ll be ready to give up.
All that said, the fact that you’re not ready to give up on this marriage ultimately doesn’t mean two squarts. Because your husband has given up on it. He is making himself unbearable because he wants out. But instead of being an adult and asking for a divorce, he is doing everything in his power to drive you away. He doesn’t work, he doesn’t help pay the bills or clean the house, and he would rather play video games than fuck you. This is a man who – consciously or subconsciously – wants out of this marriage, and I predict that his shitty, inconsiderate behavior will escalate until he gets what he wants: out.

My wife and I are bi and monogamish, and we occasionally invite other swell guys, girls and couples into our bedroom. We’re crazy liberal hippies, and thus far have fooled around exclusively with similar folks. It’s difficult at the best of times to find couples where both members are bi, so when we find one, we tend to pursue them with wild abandon. We’ve recently been corresponding with a duo that seems perfect in every regard (bi, hot, intelligent). Our problem: In their last email, they labeled themselves as “compassionate conservatives,” which set off our socially progressive warning bells. Do we move on? Or do we keep politics off the table and go for it? Friends don’t let friends fuck Republicans, right?
Bisexual But Bipartisan?

I used to take a hard line on sleeping with conservatives – friends don’t let friends fuck Republicans and all that – but I’ve evolved. Today I support sleeping with conservatives … because someone has to fuck some sense into ’em. Might as well be you guys.

I have an ethical dilemma. I’m an escort and a pro Domme. I have a ridiculous sex drive (it’s silly how much sex I want to have!) and I’m single. I’m also queer. But lately I find myself mostly hooking up with dudes for two reasons: No. 1, I think it’s important to also have nontransactional sex with dudes. No. 2, it’s easier to have casual sex with dudes because I rarely get emotionally attached to dudes. Like almost never. If I use protection with these dudes, and I’m getting tested every three months, do I owe these one-time players the truth about what I do for a living?
Sexworker Troubled Intellectually

People who enjoy hooking up with strangers – people who have casual one-night stands with people they don’t know and may not see again – should go into those hookups knowing these two things:
No. 1: The person they’re hooking up with has probably done this before. As that’s the case, having sex in this context – i.e., in the context of a sleazy and fun hookup – carries a higher degree of STI risk than having sex in the context of, say, a committed relationship. Because duh.
No. 2: They need to take all reasonable precautions while bearing in mind that condoms, even when used correctly, do not provide 100 percent protection.
As long as you’re using protection/condoms, you’re doing right by your one-night stands. Your dudes are entitled to consideration and a reasonable concern for their well-being, and it sounds like they’re getting both. They are not entitled to your complete sexual history or your work résumé. If someone isn’t comfortable with the risks inherent in casual sex hat person needs to inquire as to whether the person they’ve just picked up is a sex worker or an idiot. The onus is on them.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: drag queens in Alabama, accidental anal skewering and unwelcome drunk bachelorettes;
savagelovecast.com.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You may have only a dim idea about how your smart phone and computer work, but that doesn’t prevent you from using their many wonderful features. While you’re swimming, you know almost nothing about the physiological processes that are active inside you, and yet you have no problem making all the necessary movements. In that spirit, I’m not worried about whether or not you will grasp the deep inner meaning of events that will be unfolding in the coming week. Complete understanding isn’t absolutely necessary. All you need to do is trust your intuition to lead you in the direction of what’s interesting and educational.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) “I need not sell my soul to buy bliss,” says a character in Charlotte Bronte’s 19th-century novel Jane Eyre. “I have an inward treasure born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld, or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.” This would be a great speech for you to memorize and periodically recite in the next two weeks. Do it in front of your mirror at least once a day to remind yourself of how amazingly resourceful you are. It will also help you resist the temptation to seek gifts from people who can’t or won’t give them to you.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) What is the big adventure you’ve been postponing forever because it hasn’t been convenient? How about an intriguing possibility you have always wanted to experiment with but have consistently denied yourself? Or what about that nagging mystery you’ve been wishing you had the time and energy to solve? Wouldn’t your life change for the better if you finally dived in and explored it? In the next two weeks, I urge you to consider giving yourself permission to pursue something that fits one of those descriptions.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Right now, you are a majestic and mysterious mess of raw power. You are a fresh, flaming fountain of pure charisma. Irresistible! That’s you! Unstoppable! You! Impossible to fool and immune to the false charms of heartfelt mediocrity! You! You! You! In your current condition, no one can obstruct you from seeing the naked truth about the big picture. And that’s why I am so sure that victory will soon be yours. You will overcome the fuzziness of your allies, the bad vibes of your adversaries, and your own inertia. Not all conquests are important and meaningful, but you will soon achieve the one that is.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) A character in Herman Hesse’s novel Demian says the following: “I live in my dreams. Other people live in dreams, but not in their own.” Whose dreams do you live in, Virgo? What is the source of the fantasies that dominate your imagination? Are they the authentic outpourings of your own soul? Or did they originate with your parents and teachers and lovers? Did they sneak into you from the movies and songs and books you love? Are they the skewed result of the emotional wounds you endured or the limitations you’ve gotten used to? Now is an excellent time to take inventory. Find out how close you are to living in your own dreams.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Charles Ives was a renowned American composer who lived from 1874 to 1954. Because his music was experimental and idiosyncratic, it took a long time for him to get the appreciation he deserved. When he was 73 years old, he won the prestigious Pulitzer Prize for a symphony he had written when he was 30. I expect that in the near future you might be the beneficiary of a similar kind of mojo. A good deed you did or a smart move you made in the past will finally get at least some of the recognition or response you’ve always wanted.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) “There are no right answers to wrong questions,” says science fiction writer Ursula K. Le Guin. And that’s why you must be so conscientious about coming up with the very best questions. All your efforts to hunt down solutions will be for naught unless you frame your problems elegantly and accurately. Now here’s the very good news: Your skill at asking pertinent questions is at a peak. That’s why I suggest you make this Focused Inquiry Week. Crisply define three questions that will be important for you to address in the next seven months.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Charlie Parker was a great jazz musician. Unfortunately, he also had an expensive heroin addiction. It interfered with his ability to achieve financial stability. There’s a famous story about him showing a bystander two veins on his arm as he prepared to shoot up. “This one’s my Cadillac,” he confessed. “And this one’s my house.” I’m bringing this up in the hope that it will provide a healthy shock. Are you doing anything remotely like Charlie Parker? Are you pouring time and energy and money into an inferior form of pleasure or a trivial distraction that is undermining your ability to accomplish higher goals? If so, fix that glitch, please.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) “I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good,” said iconic songwriter Woody Guthrie. “I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim too ugly or too this or too that. Songs that run you down or poke fun at you. I am out to sing songs that will prove to you that this is your world.” Amen, brother Woody! I have the same approach to writing horoscopes. And I’m happy to advise you that you should have a similar attitude toward everything you put out and take in during the coming week. Just for now, reject all words, ideas and actions that demoralize and destroy. Treat yourself to a phase of relentless positivity.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) “I know not what my past still has in store for me,” testified the Indian spiritual poet Tukaram. I believe most of us can say the same thing, and here’s why: The events that happened to us once upon a time keep transforming as we ripen. They come to have different meanings in light of the ever-new experiences we have. What seemed like a setback when it first occurred may eventually reveal itself to have been the seed of a blessing. A wish fulfilled at a certain point in our history might come back to haunt us later on. I bring up these ideas because I think you’re primed to reinterpret your own past.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) According to legend, Jennifer Lopez’s butt is insured for $300 million. Bruce Springsteen has supposedly insured his voice for $31 million and wine expert Angela Mount is said to have insured her taste buds for $16 million. In that spirit, I encourage you to consider insuring your imagination. To be clear, I don’t anticipate that you will have occasion to collect any settlement. Nothing bad will happen. But taking this step could be a fun ritual that might drive home to you just how important your imagination will be in the coming weeks. Your power to make pictures in your mind will either make you crazy with unfounded fantasies and fearful delusions, or else it will help you visualize in detail the precise nature of the situations you want to create for yourself in the future.

I also found out other details by snooping. I know that during the time we dated, she faked orgasms with me. She didn’t have one with me until she introduced a vibrator the year I was having emotionless sex with her after the breakup. This made me feel inadequate. Since then, we have forgiven each other and tried several times to rekindle our romantic relationship. Unfortunately, while for me there is a sexual attraction, she says she is no longer attracted to me. I’m sensitive, fashionable and artistic, and she tells me she’s more attracted to the “all-American-man” type. She is currently dating someone long-distance, and they have been together for seven months. But we still talk about “us,” we still cuddle, and she’ll say things like “When I think of growing old, I imagine doing so with you.” She views our intimacy as “friendly,” while I view it as more romantic. I try to be a good friend, but hearing emotional crap about her relationship makes me want to scream, “WTF are you doing? No guy will ever clear your bar, because I set the bar!” Do you think there is any chance that we will be together again? Am I nuts to still want this girl? Her Ideal Mate

There are six other continents on this planet – six in addition to the one your ex-girlfriend currently resides on – and my advice for you, HIM, is to pick any other continent and move there. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her. Not because your ex is evil, but because this relationship is over. She’s not only seeing someone else, she’s made it clear that you’re not her type. She’s not into sensitive, fashionable and artistic types – she may not be into entitled assholes, either – and it’s time to take the hint that she’s practically pegging you with.

And I gotta say …

This relationship is never going to be what it was, because neither of you is ever going to be what you were – that is, you’re never going to be 17 and in love for the very first time again. The bar you’re talking about? Hormones set it, you didn’t. Also: It sounds like you behaved terribly after you dumped your ex. When you wrote, “I made both our lives difficult,” I read, “I stalked my ex.” (Snooping after a breakup? That’s a stalker move.) And having “emotionless sex” with someone who has “blocked out all [his] feelings” for you – being treated like a Fleshlight by someone you still have feelings for – is rarely a pleasant experience, and it must’ve been particularly painful for your ex back when she still wanted to get back together with your arty-farty ass. So perhaps she’s treating you this way – keeping you on call for cuddles, dropping hints about getting back together (in old age!), dumping “emotional crap” on you about her current boyfriend – in a subconscious effort to get revenge. You tormented her then; she’s tormenting you now.

But whatever her deal is, the bottom line is this: When two people aren’t good to, or for, each other, they should get the fuck away from each other.

My husband and I are both in our mid-20s. He’s in the military and our relationship, though imperfect, is strong; we’re both happy with – and good to – each other. Not long ago, we decided that a “monogamish” arrangement appealed to us both, and we renegotiated the terms of our relationship. He recently got orders for a yearlong deployment, and one of the many things we need to do before he leaves, I think, is have another conversation about nonmonogamy. I think we should adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I doubt I could tolerate the inevitable stress of this upcoming year if I were expected to abstain from sex for the duration. But it’s unlikely that either of us would want to hear about the other’s casual hookups when we’re separated by nine time zones. Yet I can’t bring myself to speak up, because I’m already so jealous of the people he might fuck while I’m on the opposite side of the world and unable to fuck him myself. Suddenly, the thought of my husband with someone else is nearly intolerable. What would you do in this situation? Worried I Fear Estrangement

If my husband were about to deploy to a war zone, I would probably do what you’re doing, WIFE: I would worry about sex – I would worry about the people who might want to fuck my deployed husband – because that would provoke less anxiety than worrying about the people who might want to harm my deployed husband.

Talk to your husband, and put that “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on the table. Considering that you’ll most likely have more opportunities than he will over the next 12 months, a DADT policy may be precisely what your husband wants while he’s deployed. And share your feelings of jealousy with him. Those feelings are not only normal and natural, they’re a good sign. It would be more worrisome if you didn’t care who he fucked and he didn’t care who you fucked. And your husband may share your chief concern: It’s one thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you’re around (and you’re able to fuck your partner, too, and remind your partner why he’s with you), and it’s quite another thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you’re not around.

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can make a person feel like she’s not cut out for a monogamish relationship. But it’s working through those inevitable feelings of jealousy and insecurity – with your partner, not your sex-advice columnist – that proves you are cut out for one. Good luck, WIFE, and I hope your husband comes home safe and sound.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Imagine you’re in a large room full of costumes. It’s like a masquerade store at Halloween plus a storage area where a theater troupe keeps the apparel its actors use to stage a wide variety of historical plays. You have free reign here. You can try on different masks and wigs and disguises and get-ups. You can envision yourself living in different eras as various characters. If you like, you can even go out into the world wearing your alternate identities. Try this exercise. It’ll stimulate good ideas about some new self-images you might want to play with in real life.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Ray LaMontagne sings these lyrics in his tune “Empty”: “I looked my demons in the eyes. Laid bare my chest and said, ‘Do your best to destroy me. I’ve been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kind of bore me.’” I wouldn’t be opposed to you delivering a message like that to your own demons – with one caveat: Leave out the “Do your best to destroy me” part. Simply peer into the glazed gaze of those shabby demons and say, “You bore me and I’m done with you. Bye-bye.” And then walk away from them for good.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) I know a devotee of Tibetan Buddhism who got an unexpected message from her teacher. He told her she has made such exemplary progress in her quest for enlightenment that she has earned the ultimate reward. When she dies many years from now, the teacher said, she will enter nirvana! She will have no further karmic obligation to reincarnate into a new body in the future, and will be forever excused from the struggle of living in the material world. Although her teacher meant this to be good news, she was heartbroken. She wants to keep reincarnating. Her joyous passion is to help relieve the suffering of her fellow humans. Can you guess what sign she is? Yes: a Cancerian. Like her, many of you are flirting with an odd and challenging choice between selfishness and selflessness.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A lawyer named John Keogh filed an application with the Australian Patent Office. It was for a “circular transportation facilitation device.” His claim was approved. He thus became the owner of the world’s first and only patent for the wheel. So far, he has not tried to collect royalties from anyone who’s using wheels. I nominate him to be your role model. May he inspire you to stamp your personal mark on a universal archetype or put your unique spin on something everyone knows and loves.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) This may be the best week in a long time to practice the art of crazy wisdom. And what is crazy wisdom? Here’s how novelist Tom Robbins described it to Shambhala Sun: It’s “a philosophical worldview that recommends swimming against the tide, cheerfully seizing the short end of the stick, embracing insecurity, honoring paradox, courting the unexpected, celebrating the unfamiliar, shunning orthodoxy, volunteering for tasks nobody else wants or dares to do and breaking taboos in order to destroy their power. It’s the wisdom of those who turn the tables on despair by lampooning it, and who neither seek authority nor submit to it.” And why should you do any of that weird stuff? Robbins: “To enlarge the soul, light up the brain and liberate the spirit.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) “Why should we honor those that die upon the field of battle?” asked Irish poet William Butler Yeats. “A man may show as reckless a courage in entering into the abyss of himself.” A woman may show similar bravery, of course. In my astrological opinion, that’s the noble adventure beckoning to you: a dive into the depths of your inner workings. I hope that’s the direction you go; I hope you don’t take your stouthearted struggle out into the world around you. All the best action will be happening in that fertile hub known as your “soul.”

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Historical records suggest that ancient Greek philosopher Democritus went blind late in his life. There are different stories about why. According to one account, he intentionally did it to himself by gazing too long into the sun. That was his perverse way of solving a vexing problem: It freed him from the torment of having to look upon gorgeous women who were no longer interested in or available to him because of his advanced age. I hope you won’t do anything like that. In fact, I suggest you take the opposite approach: Keep your attention focused on things that stir your deep attraction, even if you think you can’t have them for your own. Valuable lessons and unexpected rewards will emerge from such efforts.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Search your memory and recall a time when you pushed yourself to your limits as you labored over a task you cared about very much. At that time, you worked with extreme focus and intensity. You were rarely bored and never resentful about the enormous effort you had to expend. You loved throwing yourself into this test of willpower, which stretched your resourcefulness and compelled you to grow new capacities. What was that epic breakthrough in your past? Once you know, move on to your next exercise: Imagine a new assignment that fits this description, and make plans to bring it into your life in the near future.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Nairobi is Kenya’s capital and home of over three million urbanites. A few minutes’ drive from the city center, there’s a 45-square-mile national park teeming with wildlife. Against a backdrop of skyscrapers, rhinos and giraffes graze. Lions and cheetahs pounce. Wildebeests roam and hyenas skulk. I suggest you borrow the spirit of that arrangement and invoke it in your own life. In other words, be highly civilized and smartly sophisticated part of the time; be wild and free the rest of the time. And be ready to go back and forth between the two modes with grace and ease.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) In the wild, a tiger’s diet consists entirely of meat. The big cat loves to feast on deer and wild boar, and eats a variety of other animals, too. The hunt is always solitary, never done in collaborative groups. That’s why the creature’s success rate is so low. A tiger snags the prey it’s seeking only about five percent of the time. It sometimes has to wait two weeks between meals. Nevertheless, a tiger rarely starves. When it gets what it’s after, it can devour 75 pounds of food in one sitting. According to my astrological analysis, you’re like a tiger these days. You haven’t had a lot of lucky strikes lately, but I suspect you will soon hit the jackpot.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) The French word flaneur is a meme that refers to a person who strolls around the city at a leisurely pace, exploring whatever captivates her imagination. To the casual observer, the flaneur may seem to be a lazy time-waster with nothing important to do. But she is in fact motivated by one of the noblest emotions – pure curiosity – and is engaged in a quest to attract novel experiences, arouse fresh insights and seek new meaning. Sound fun? Well, congratulations, because you have been selected as the Flaming Flaneur of the Zodiac for the next two weeks. Get out there and meander!