are you drunk? (Y/N) on malt liquor? (Y/N)

Fast-food Flowchart: For those nights when you're drunk enough to eat pasta in a bread bowl (but not too drunk to operate your laptop, presumably), Eating the Road comes to the rescue with this binary logic-based approach to getting fat.

pie denied.

Due to a feared canned pumpkin shortage, the holiday favorite may be hard to come by this year. Do not fret, dear readers, but rather seize the day and dare to break tradition.

May I suggest:
lemon-glazed gingerbread (via The New York Times)
poached pears with Asian five-spice (Delicious Living)
caramelized apple tarte tatin (Gourmet)
snow-covered holiday cupcakes (Heidi Swanson/101 Cookbooks; pictured)
sticky toffee pudding (David Lebovitz)
vegan chocolate rum pudding cake (CHOW.com) or
the easiest clementine-and-almond cake ever (Nigella Lawson)?

Truthfully, it's only Libby's brand canned pumpkin that's running short; if you simply must have pumpkin, do yourself a favor and buy organic.

no more sparking up by the dumpster.

The New York Post reports that a Subway sandwich shop will be attached to the tower crane of the Freedom Tower going up on the old World Trade Center site, so that construction workers will not have to descend the tower or bring lunch. As the building rises, so will the Subway.

Just a thought: maybe a little extra training for the sandwich artists?

foodzie: etsy for foodies.

Online shopping? Check. Handmade goodies? Check. Irony-free rural weirdness (viz. My Husband's Nuts)? Check.

Foodzie sells crazazay amounts of salted caramels, boozy chocolate bars (Single Malt Scotch Bars from BonBonBar), beautifully packaged alfajores; homemade tamales; country ham; dozens of varieties of pickles; confits of shallots, duck, quince, red onion; dried mushrooms; homemade biscuits from Charleston, N.C.; and more than 300 kinds of cookies.

The prices range widely, but are generally not dirt-cheap. But the interface is simple and clean, and knowing that you're supporting a small business always feels good. As the holidays approach, Foodzie might come in handy. This æbleskiver starter kit (cast-iron pan, bag of æbleskiver mix, hot pad, etc.; pictured above) would be a good early gist: æbleskiver, like a cross between pancakes and popovers, are a perfect holiday snack.

farm to table reminder: buy your tickets now.

Just a reminder! I wrote about Farm to Table on Salivation Army last month and in this week's Selections as well. If you're planning to go — you ARE planning to go, right? — better snap up tickets now. (You can do that here on the Enzian website.) They'll also sell tickets at the door if it's not sold out, but better safe than sorry, right?

Farm to Table, 12:30–2:30 Sunday, Nov. 15; Enzian Theater, 1300 S. Orlando Ave., Maitland; $18

miracle whip: "fuck you granny!"

"On Thursday, November 12, we will dominate the airspace on your show. With every commercial break, your viewers will be exposed to hardcore Miracle Whip attitude and revelry. You will see our legion of (as you call them) "mayo nay-sayers" snarfing sandwiches topped with our one-of-a-kind flavor in a very cool and totally hip way. They will be in your face and massively dope. It goes without saying, they WILL NOT TONE IT DOWN. And you will begin to see the soft, bland white walls of the mayo empire begin to collapse under the weight of its own whipped-egg pretentiousness.

Think about it Mr. Colbert. In a sense, we will own you.

We're on a mission. We're taking no prisoners.

We're raising Hell, Man.

THE BOLD MARKETING TEAM AT MIRACLE WHIP"

PWNED! Yawn.

After the jump, the Miracle Whip ad, the Colbert Mayo ad, and David Cross' "Henderson Valley Eggs."

read the full post here.

free food for vets, plus the 72-ounce steak challenge.

Lots of restaurants are offering free meals to past or current military personnel today. Hey, it's the least we can do, and if anyone's likely to work off those calories, it's the men and women busting their asses out there.

This is no doubt an incomplete list; I will add to it if/when I hear more. (Please comment or e-mail me if you know of a deal not listed here.)

• Subway: free 6-inch subs Wednesday with military ID.
• Applebee's: free entree Wednesday with military ID. (There was some confusion earlier today about the date, but their website says they are honoring the offer today.)
• Golden Corral: free buffet, beverage and dessert on Wednesday, Nov. 16.
• McCormick & Schmick's: free entrees to veterans on the Sunday BEFORE Veterans Day. They've done it 11 years in a row, so … mark that calendar for next year.
• Krispy Kreme: free doughnut.
• Outback Steakhouse: free Bloomin' Onion.
• Cattleman's Steakhouse: free barbecue entree with military ID.
  

"Orlando's First Ever 72oz Steak Challenge" —

turkey time 2: NYT face-off.

In which The New York Times' Julia Moskin and Kim Severson debate one of the most important questions of our time: ¿Quien es mas macho, el pavo o los side dishes?

playing chicken.

So I tried the latest got-vegans-all-in-a-tizzy fake meat product Gardein last night. It's made of soy (not organic), wheat gluten, whole grains, and "pea protein." Yeah, OK.

I chose the "chicken scallopini," and I cooked it pretty much exactly how I would the real thing: dusted with flour, couple of minutes on each side in the pan, pour in and reduce some white wine/capers/lemon juice. What was kind of cool was I actually got a little bit of fond, the crispy bits that stick to the bottom of the pan and make your sauce work. (I know, I know, it's just soy bits.)

On the Fake Meat Scale of 1 ("I'd rather starve") to 5 ("Yes, Supreme Master, I'd love seconds"), the Gardein chicken scallops ranked a solid 4 ("That tastes pretty OK"). There was a flavor vaguely reminiscent of my childhood favorite — Oscar Meyer Beef Bologna — but I'm chalking that up to the built-in "light seasoning." I would season more aggressively next time.

Flavor aside, the texture was pretty good, and I'm glad to have a product that behaves like chicken, and is neither breaded nor burger-like. Gardein is making all the right moves: They hired Tal Ronnen, The Man Who Made Oprah Vegan For 21 Days, to work with them on some recipes, and the stuff's on super-duper sale — basically under a dollar per serving — at Publix right now. I look forward to trying more items out of their fresh and frozen range.

"what could a woman possibly know about milk?"

Drown the sorrow of last night's Mad Men finale (sob) with this parody video, Milk Men, in which "milk is delivered and passions run deep." Smoking, slapping and full-fat dairy products.


Milk Men - A Mad Men Parody

ghetto pasta.

It's funny how dishes migrate through decades and continents,  transmogrifying in each new location. Last night I had a nice family dinner, and we ate one of my comfort-food favorites, colloquially known to us as "Nige's chicken pasta" (or "that thing with the chicken and the pine nuts and the rosemary").

We discovered it years ago on Nigella Bites, way back when the Style Network broadcast the original British series (hence the name). Nigella Lawson, in full flower, tears the chicken off the bones with her fingers ("If you haven't got asbestos hands like mine, use a pair of forks") while relating that she originally came across the recipe in Claudia Roden's Book of Jewish Food. In her book How to Eat, Lawson includes her adaptation of the recipe, grandly titled "Tagliatelle With Chicken From the Venetian Ghetto" and replete with items not readily available in the average American supermarket — a specialty pasta shape, "sultanas," etc. — a posh update on what Roden prosaically called "Pasta With Roast Chicken, Raisins and Pine Nuts."

In The Book of Jewish Food, Roden traces the diaspora and offers recipes from Jews in Italy (including Venice!), India, China, Turkey, South Africa, Holland and dozens of other countries. (I highly recommend this cookbook, or any other by Roden, by the way.) It is rigorously researched and enjoyable as much as a history book as a cookbook, something Roden's known for. (See my review of Arabesque, her book on Moroccan, Turkish, and Lebanese cuisines.)

After the jump, my recipe for "Nige's chicken pasta, aka that thing with the chicken and the pine nuts and the rosemary."


read the full post here.