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It's a mad, mad, mad, mad dash

OW's guide to the truly last-minute holiday shopping

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Your sister’s tiara toddler:

Oh, sure, the whole family has put up with your sister’s diaspora of mental illnesses and compulsions since the first day she started drinking Slim-Fast from a nippled bottle. But now she has spawned a monster, or at least a child whom she is trying to doll up like a TLC reality nightmare disguised as blond bacon. It’s time for a princess intervention. Realizing that parenting is a sacred myth built from mirrors and cigarettes, you’ll have to be a little sneaky on this one. Here’s what you do: Buy the bite-sized tantrum a Kindle Fire ($199, Best Buy, multiple locations, bestbuy.com), but make sure to take it out of the box for the purposes of familial subterfuge. Your first stop should (and would) be Amazon.com, where you can stealthily download Naomi Wolf’s seminal The Beauty Myth ($10.19), a feminist tome she’ll likely need a few years down the road when the scars on her knuckles stop scabbing. Next, you’ll need a little bit of craftiness. Drew Barrymore’s 1984 emancipation proclamation, Irreconcilable Differences, isn’t in many stores – nor is it on the Amazon site for download – but if you had planned ahead, you would have ordered the DVD online ($13.70, barnesandnoble.com) in time to convert it into Kindle-ready megabytes. Now, tape the Kindle to the back of a Disney Princess Glitter & Lipgloss Kit (2 for $6.99, Walgreens, open 24 hours; also a choking hazard) and sit back and watch as the girl gets interrupted over the next few years. This gift will take awhile to fully unwrap.

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