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It's a mad, mad, mad, mad dash

OW's guide to the truly last-minute holiday shopping

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The emotionless connectivity of the now has undoubtedly led your fingers into late-night tantric tangos, regardless of your real life commitments. A little green dot next to a name next to a thumbnail portrait of perfection is often the best you can hope for in the wee (drunk) hours of laptop submission, and even if you’ve never actually seen your electric-dreams paramour in the flesh, you may have already gazed upon said sexpot’s sex spots in blurry, isolated arousal. Well, you can’t give a computer a cock ring, but shouldn’t the person with whom you’ve cascaded into projected eroticism for no apparent reason register somewhere in your yuletide cash-toss, Anthony Weiner? Assuming your affection object isn’t an Apple user – you married an Apple user, but PC folks are way more dangerous – it might be a good idea to pick up a Logitech HD Webcam C615 ($79.99 at Best Buy, multiple locations, bestbuy.com) to alleviate some of that blur and allow for more swiveling flexibility. And, because you’re a sucker for hygiene (and he probably should be, too), toss in a Dynex Laptop Computer Care Kit ($12.99 at Best Buy) to ensure that your post-pump regret isn’t laced with DNA evidence. You can order both online – thus retaining your alleged anonymity – but this could also be your chance to actually meet the face attached to the package. On the other hand …

Your conspiracy theorist-in-law:

There’s one in every family, no matter how middle-of-the-road, down-to-earth or left-of-center: The Glenn Beck-mimicking, global-warming denying, Obama-hating, 9/11 was an inside job-insisting mother/father/sister/brother-in-law that takes every opportunity to tell you – with disturbing glee – that the revolution is coming, Big Brother is watching, the sky is falling, Jesus is coming (you better look busy). Though you hate to feed the furor, you hate just as much to gift this person a wallet or a tie or a coffee mug. If your family’s favorite conspiracy-loving creeper isn’t the type to read aloud from his or her Christmas gifts, it’s probably safe to go with literature – we just checked, and four local Barnes and Noble stores have copies of 9/11 The Simple Facts: Why the Official Story Can’t Possibly Be True by Arthur Naiman and Gregg Roberts ($12, Barnes and Noble, Colonial Plaza Market Center, 2418 E. Colonial Drive, barnesandnoble.com). You can gift this book without concern that you’re contributing to the cache of half-truths and nonsense that are known to flow from this relative’s mouth because it isn’t full of conspiracies or leaps of logic. It’s a compendium of facts and info that simply don’t jibe with the official line the government’s been spouting all these years. If, upon opening this kind of gift said family member is likely to become an insufferable faucet of annoying facts and figures nobody wants to talk about on Christmas, though, steer clear of the bookstore and head to your local Army Navy, where you can stock up on survivalist gear that’ll help your loved one prepare for that pending rebellion. A new Rothco Move Out Tactical/Travel Bag (aka a “bugout bag,” in survivalist speak) would be both practical and thoughtful ($89.99, Al’s Army and Navy, 23 N. Orange Blossom Trail, alsarmynavy.com). You can stuff it full of goodies, like an Evirstar Defense Products gas mask ($9.99), a 10-pack of Hot Hands handwarmers ($5.24) and if your giftee is a girl, she might appreciate a pink paracord bracelet as well ($7.99). We’re not sure what those are good for, but survivalists seem to love ’em. You’re welcome.

The Smug Early Adopter:

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