Published: December 5, 2012
Sometimes I kick the proverbial hornet's nest intentionally – "bullshit in the Bible," for instance – and sometimes I kick the hornet's nest accidentally. I honestly didn't expect the outraged response I got after I wrote that poly wasn't a sexual identity in the "sexual orientation" sense of the term. Some people identify as poly, of course, just as some people identify as, say, dominant or submissive. While I recognize that poly (or D/s) can be central to someone's sexual identity, I've never viewed it as a sexual orientation and I didn't think this was a controversial point of view.
Many poly people disagree. I've received a ton of impassioned emails from polyamorous readers, most of whom see themselves as poly-oriented, not just poly-identified. And while some seem confused – I've never denied the existence of polyamorous people, I never said that people couldn't or shouldn't identify as polyamorous – I'm turning the rest of this week's column over to the polyoutraged.
I've been poly all my life, since well before I knew there was such a possibility. As far back as grade school, I've generally had a crush on more than one boy/guy/man, and as an adult, I can't imagine a life where I'm limited to one man, even though I love my husband deeply. When I was with someone before I knew about polyamory, I'd cheat. I wouldn't want to, but sooner or later I'd meet someone else and fall in love so hard that I had to be with the other person, too. I hated cheating. I hated dishonesty. I hated myself. Reading Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy's book The Ethical Slut changed my life. I finally understood the person I had been my whole life. I'm poly. I'm not monogamous and I can't choose to be monogamous. I will always have the capacity to love more than one person and the incapacity to keep myself from falling in love with others – the way you will always have the capacity to love men romantically and no capacity to love women. It's a choice whether I act on that capacity, just like it's a choice whether you act on your attraction to men, but it's not a choice whether I fall in love with more than one person at a time. Some people might just flirt with the lifestyle, but some of us are built to love more than one person at a time.
Poly Of Long Years
To enshrine the homosexuality/heterosexuality spectrum as the one sexual motivator around which individuals can choose an identity seems strange to me. I'm a hetero-identified man, but I could be in a homosexual relationship if a situation forced me to choose a partner from outside of my preferred sexual-gender-orientation. (Jail, for example.) It wouldn't change how I identify, but it would change the relationship I'm in. However, the fact that closeted homosexual men operate in hetero relationships and fuck their wives, or hetero guys fuck other hetero guys in jail or submarines doesn't make the identities of gay and straight any less valid.
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