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Arts & Culture

Mormons by the book

What does ‘Book of Mormon’ get right, and what does it get wrong?

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The Book of Mormon is rightly acclaimed as hilarious. But how true are its assertions about the LDS faith?

Mormons believe that “ancient Jews built boats and sailed to America.”
Absolutely true. This is a funny world we live in, full of folks who place stock in all sorts of intellectually insupportable concepts. Some people believe in burning bushes and representative democracy. Crazy, right?

Mormons believe that God resides on a planet called Kolob.
Depends who you talk to. Some Mormons definitely believe this. Others can go entire years in the faith without hearing a single mention of it. On a related note, some Mormons do indeed know an awful lot about Star Wars!

Mormon missionaries don’t know where in the world they’ll be assigned until they report for duty at “mission control.”
Haha, no. How would they know what to pack – the winter-weight white shirts or the thin ones?

When they’re being tortured by guilt, Mormons have nightmares that they’ve been sent to hell with Genghis Khan, Jeffrey Dahmer, Hitler and Johnnie Cochran.
No again. While their capacity for guilt puts them on a par with the best of us, Mormons simply don’t believe in Hell as a concept. Must be what comes from having your headquarters in Salt Lake City and not Bayonne.

Mormons are “really fucking nice to everyone.”
True by almost universal account, and not in that creepy, “one of us” way you might expect from a sect that sometimes gets dismissed unfairly as a cult. Plus, now that the LDS church is dropping its opposition to marriage equality like a hot potato, we can even define “being nice” in the aggregate, not just one-on-one. (Time to up that game, Scientology!)

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